A CLOWN THAT WANTS TO MURDER YOU But in his defense, he's still not as bad as Trump.

MONDAY, AUGUST 28

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we spend far too much time writing about clowns: the clowns in the White House fucking over our country, the clowns in Hollywood fucking each other, and, last and certainly least, professional clowns. With a new film adaptation of Stephen King’s killer-clown book It opening this weekend, self-proclaimed “legitimate clowns” are preparing for bad press thanks to “the current epidemic of clown phobia (also known as coulrophobia),” writes the Hollywood Reporter. Noting that the “menacing clown sightings” of 2016 “really blindsided” the clown community, World Clown Association President Pam Moody says her organization has “created a press kit to prepare clowns” for It. Titled “WCA STAND ON SCARY CLOWNS !!” (which is exactly what a depraved weirdo with a rubber nose would scrawl in crayon), the document claims “the art of clown is something to be treasured and enjoyed”—a demonstrably false statement that ignores the fact clowns are creepy and weird and should not be allowed to exist. (And before you say, “Wait, Ann, isn’t that a bit extreme?” we have three words for you: John Wayne Gacy.) In conclusion, It comes out this weekend, we’re not going to see it and neither should you, and real-life clowns deserve whatever they have coming. (Sorry, real-life clowns! We can’t do anything about the ones in the White House or Hollywood, but we can do something about you.)


TUESDAY, AUGUST 29

Speaking of clowns, pastor/huckster Joel Osteen caught flack this week for refusing to open his Houston megachurch—which can hold more than 16,000—to the victims of Hurricane Harvey. The slimy Osteen, who steals morons’ money and looks like the unholy progeny of Benedict Cumberbatch and a greyhound, opened his $100 million Lakewood Church as a shelter only after other shelters had been open for days. “Our church doors have always been open,” Osteen lied on Today, not mentioning that Lakewood’s doors had, in fact, been locked shut. “In fact,” Osteen added, “we took in people right when the storm—” Actually, know what? Let’s not let this guy say anything else. Houston’s got enough to deal with. They don’t need this guy too. IN RELATED NEWS... “People seeking safety from the flooding caused by Harvey were able to find refuge at Al-Salam mosque in northwest Houston,” reports NPR, noting all were welcome at the mosque when it opened its doors immediately after Harvey. “It’s really beautiful to see everyone helping together,” said Ania Charna, a neighbor who visited to volunteer. “There was even a dog who was in bad condition and the owner couldn’t walk. But the whole team was helping to calm the dog and de-stress her and dry her. I’m Catholic and my husband is Jewish, but it is beyond all that.”


WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30

“Though its breakneck development culture and lax regulatory environment have been lauded for giving working people affordable housing—and thus a shot at the American dream—many experts and residents say that the developers’ encroachment into the wetlands and prairies that used to serve Houston as natural sponges has inevitably exacerbated the misery that the city is suffering today,” reports the New York Times. “There could have been ways to have more green space and more green infrastructure over the years, and it just didn’t work out that way, because [development] was fast and furious,” civil and environmental engineering professor Phil Bedient tells the Times, adding Houston simply didn’t plan for the kind of weather brought on by climate disruption. “It’s been known for years how to do it,” Bedient continued, “it just costs the developers more money to do it that way.” Well, it’s a good thing we don’t have to worry about any more climate disruption, then—and a good thing developers always do what’s best for the community! Yep, America’s all set! Nothing to worry about at all.


THURSDAY, AUGUST 31

“In April 2016, in a decision seen as a cultural victory for women and African Americans, former Treasury Secretary Jacob J. Lew announced plans to replace President Andrew Jackson, who was a slave owner, with [Harriet] Tubman on the front of the $20 bill,” writes the Los Angeles Times. And yet... today our current treasury secretary, Steve T. Mnuchin, “would not commit” to “following through” with that plan. Huh! “Right now, we’ve got a lot more important issues to focus on,” Mnuchin told CNBC, presumably referring to plans for Suicide Squad 2, a sequel to one of the many worthless films he financed before Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) gave him a job. “Weird,” tweeted New York Times editor Max Fisher, “how some aspects of Civil War heritage are more important to preserve than others.” He’s got a point! Why aren’t Charlottesville’s khaki-clad history buffs protesting Mnuchin’s decision? Maybe they wanted to, but Target was all out of Tiki torches?


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

And because this week is inspiring us to cram a rusty railroad spike into our ear, let’s break the cycle with some brainless GOSSIP NEWS YOU CAN (probably not) USE! In a revealing interview with Ryan Seacrest, former sparkling Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson disclosed two of his darkest secrets: When he first moved to Hollywood, he moved into studio housing and was assigned to live with no other than (wait for it) Dustin Diamond, AKA Screech from Saved by the Bell! And oh yes, there’s more: According to the story, it was Screech who introduced Robert to the star’s favorite microwavable sandwich, Hot Pockets. (There’s nothing more to this story, other than maybe it was just an ad for Hot Pockets. However, there is this: Next time you’re masturbating to the image of a sparkling Robert Pattison, imagine him hanging out on a filthy futon with Screech eating a Hot Pocket. Then pick something else to masturbate about.) ITEM NUMBER 2: Scientists are investigating the remnants of a possible UFO... found near Taylor Swift’s mansion! Tay-Tay owns beachfront property in the small coastal town of Westerly, Rhode Island, where residents were shocked to witness a strange, metallic eight-legged object wash up onshore near Swift’s residence. The Westerly Sun reported it was “more like the Mars Rover than anything that would be found in the bottom of the ocean.” However, because they are nothing if not buzzkills, scientists investigating the object think it is probably just a large broken piece of sea monitoring equipment. “I HATE YOU, SCIENCE!” squealed pop star and UFO enthusiast Taylor Swift upon hearing the hypothesis. “I’m pretty sure it was either Katy Perry or Kim Kardashian who hired you to say that! Expect the release of my newest revenge song—ABOUT YOU—later this week!”


SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

Speaking of betrayals from Katy Perry, the singer is getting sued for allegedly causing the loss of a woman’s toe! According to Stereogum, when the woman in question was a stagehand for Perry’s Prismatic tour, a large set piece rolled on top of her foot. Fellow workers offered her ice for the injury, but didn’t call an ambulance. (You may want to look away for this next part.) Later a doctor informed her that the toe had become gangrenous and would have to eventually be amputated—but she should keep the dead toe for months! (EWWWWWWW! Okay, you can look back now.) Because of this emotional distress, the woman is suing Katy and Live Nation (the tour’s producers) as well as the production company. “I’ve already written a revenge song for you,” a delighted Taylor Swift told the woman. “It goes like this: ‘Katy’s stagehand’s toe can’t come to the phone right now... because it’s DEAD!’ Okay, fine, it needs work.”


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

Need another mystery to go along with Taylor Swift’s UFO and Katy Perry’s toe-amputating antics? Here’s a real puzzler for you: CBS News reports that black smoke was pouring out of a chimney at the Russian consulate in San Francisco, because they were obviously burning something... on a 95-degree day... right before they were being evicted by the Trump administration. When firefighters responded to the smoke, they were turned away by Russians leaving the consulate who said that staff members were simply burning “unidentified items in a fireplace.” HMMM... could it be that the Russians were burning government secrets? Former FBI special agent Rick Smith thinks duh, yeah! “There is finally the realization by the administration that Russians have been involved in intelligence operations at this consulate... for decades,” he told CBS News. “Yes, or maybe the Russians were burning information about the UFO that washed up behind my mansion,” postulated Taylor Swift, who then screamed, “OR! OR! OR! They’re helping Katy Perry cover up her secret criminal toe-amputation ring! This Russia scandal goes deeper than any of us ever suspected!”