MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where THE WORLD IS LITERALLY ON FIRE. A massive stretch of the Columbia River Gorge National Scenic Area, one of the most beautiful places on the planet, has been overtaken by a ravenous wildfire that—so far—has destroyed tens of thousands of acres. Fed by dry conditions and strong winds, the Eagle Creek Fire eventually merged with the Indian Creek Fire, ripping through the Gorge as it threatened homes, forced evacuations, stranded hikers, and burned animals alive. “Evacuees were dazed, in shock and sleep-deprived,” reports the Oregonian. “Instead of going to work or school, they were living in limbo from their cars and vans, hoping to be able to return home soon.” “The forest that you’ve been hiking in up there—even if it’s not completely burned to the ground—is gone,” local hiking expert Paul Gerald told the Mercury as ash from the fires blanketed Portland. “This is something that in our lifetimes is never going to look the same as it did yesterday.” MEANWHILE... So, who’s to blame? Oh, you know: IDIOT TEENAGERS. Hiker Liz FitzGerald claims to have witnessed a group of teens throwing fireworks from the (formerly) wondrous Eagle Creek trail. “I said, ‘Do you realize how dangerous that is?’ They all just looked at me,” FitzGerald told the Mercury. “I said, ‘There’s a fire raging up at mile three. This whole place is so dry.’ They didn’t say anything and they kept walking down the hill. I looked and saw smoke, but I thought it was just the trail from the smoke from the smoke bomb.” AND YET... Police have yet to arrest or identify the 15-year-old Vancouver boy they suspect started the fire “because of the outcry and threats that he could face,” according to the Oregonian, which goes on to note the local moron “could be ordered to pay for the costs of fighting the Eagle Creek fire, to the tune of millions. His parents might have to foot some of the bill for the damage done. He also could face prison.” BUT NOT ALL IS LOST... While one of the greatest parts of the Pacific Northwest will take centuries to recover, people have already started to help—donating to crowdfunding campaigns from the Friends of the Columbia River Gorge, PNW Outdoor Women, and the Cascade Locks Fire and EMS, and volunteering with groups like Trailkeepers of Oregon. If you haven’t chipped in already, now’s the time.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
And now, let’s move from literal fires to metaphorical fires—namely, the Trump Administration, which at this point very closely resembles the sputtering, reeking dumpster fire we once saw in an alley behind a discount plastic surgery clinic. Today Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, announced “his administration would end an Obama-era program that allowed young undocumented immigrants to live in the country without fear of deportation,” reports the Washington Post, which goes on to note the decision “sparked fears among advocates that nearly 800,000 immigrants who have lived illegally in the United States since they were children would be subject to removal once their government-issued work permits expire under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program.” There is, however, an upside: Even as Trump threw yet another bone to his racist supporters, he also gave Congress six months to find a better solution—which they probably should, considering a recent poll found that nearly two-thirds of Americans support DACA. “We also can’t believe we’re living in an ash-covered apocalypse,” nearly two-thirds of Americans continued. “Or that PBS isn’t even showing the new season of The Great British Bake Off! For shame. For shame.”
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
This just in: Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are not (repeat NOT) getting married! Yes, yes... we all assumed these lovebirds—who’ve been secretly romantically involved for years—were probably already married, or at least well on their way to the altar. Unfortunately for the jilted Trump, Putin put those rumors to rest in a fairly cruel manner today during a press conference at an economic summit in China. When asked what he thought about the closure of San Francisco’s Russian consulate by the Trump administration, Putin responded, “It is hard to conduct a dialogue with people who confuse Austria with Australia, but there is nothing we can do about this.” OUCH. Then when the reporter went on to ask if he was “disappointed” in his relationship with the American president, Putin bitterly replied, “[Trump] is not my bride. I am not his bride, or his groom. We are running our governments.” OUCH TWICE. While we are always disappointed when such a beautiful, loving marriage dissolves before our very eyes, if either of these guys think they’re keeping the glass bowl set we got them from Williams-Sonoma, they’re fucking crazy.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
Meanwhile, back at stately Gossip Manor... in case you missed it, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having yet another baby. UNNNGGGGGGH... WE KNOW. This makes the third sad, undeserving child to be added to their familial horror show—but! This time around, Kim is reportedly hiring a surrogate to squirt out her infant, because... blech! Childbirth, are we right? Besides, another pregnancy would put a real damper on her primary career—providing nudie pics to Instagram. So, where does someone of Kim’s stature find a surrogate anyway? We don’t know for sure, but she probably picked this one up from a local mall or galleria. (Or maybe delivered via drone from Amazon?) Anyway, when we know, we’ll let YOU know! MEANWHILE... As previously reported, overprivileged monster Gwyneth Paltrow has produced a print version of her snake-oil-for-rich-people website, Goop—and it’s just as insufferable as she is. Clocking in at a scant 96 pages, but costing $15 per issue (!!!), the debut features articles about fancy mud masks, the healing power of crystals, tips for better orgasms (snore), and how Gwynnie allowed her C-section scar to be attacked by bees. (Now we’re talking!) “The doctor stings you with a live bee,” Gwyneth revealed, “like it’s an acupuncture needle.” Note to readers: A bee is not an acupuncture needle. IT’S A FUCKING BEE. “I had it done on my cesarean scar,” she continued. “It really evened it out.” Don’t miss the next issue, when Gwyneth uses scorpions to “even out” her hemorrhoids.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
As we mentioned on Tuesday, President Trump yanked the rug out from underneath young undocumented immigrants by allowing DACA to expire (American racists: “Yayyyy!”) and then kicking it over to Congress to either save or bury it (Congress: “Booooo.”). Horrible as it may be, it did provide a springboard for the sweetest internet burn of the week, courtesy of beloved diva Cher. Infuriated by Trump’s chickenshit move, Cher hopped on Twitter and vowed to take Dreamers into her home and protect them. But because no good deed goes unpunished, Trump supporter Brenda Webb (AKA @bwebb56 who calls herself a “believer in Jesus” and a “positive person” eww) responded sarcastically to Cher’s offer to take in Dreamers, writing, “Sure you will Cher... I’ll believe it when I see it!” Cher’s response? “Then keep your eyes open bitch.” That’s when Brenda Webb’s Twitter account to burst into flames, and the internet squealed and ran around high-fiving each other. IN A RELATED STORY... “Then keep your eyes open bitch” will now replace “In God We Trust” on all American currency.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
And the hits just keep on coming: After crashing through the Caribbean and killing 38 people (as of press time), Hurricane Irma headed to Florida this evening, where it went on to cause widespread catastrophic damage. BUT PLEASE: Do not place any blame for Irma’s existence on climate change, because—according to Trump’s EPA top administrator Scott Pruitt— it is “insensitive.” “To have any kind of focus on the cause and effect of the storm versus helping people is misplaced,” Pruitt sneered to CNN. “To use time and effort to address it at this point is very, very insensitive to these people in Florida.” NICE TRY, ASSHOLE. Even the Republican mayor of Miami, Tomás Regalado, wasn’t buying Pruitt’s game of environmental kick the can. “This is the time to talk about climate change,” Regalado told the Miami Herald. “If this isn’t climate change, I don’t know what is. This is truly, truly the poster child for what is to come.” If that doesn’t convince them, maybe naming every future hurricane after a member of the Trump administration might?
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
Remember that amazing, hilarious day when wrinkled human pustule Steve Bannon was fired from the Trump administration? GOOD TIMES! Unfortunately, CBS’ 60 Minutes thought we’d be interested in an exit interview with him (we’re not—but they aired one anyway). Basically Bannon just sweated a lot and gnashed his teeth when asked questions about Russian collusion, DACA, and helping promote a white nationalist agenda. (Seriously, he looks like what a miner with black lung might cough onto the sidewalk.) But here’s the fun part! Our ex-future husband George Clooney gave some very pointed opinions about Bannon to journalists at the Toronto International Film Fest. “Steve Bannon is a failed fucking screenwriter,” Clooney snapped (as we squealed). “And if you’ve ever read [his] screenplay, it’s unbelievable. Now, if he’d somehow managed miraculously to get that thing produced, he’d still be in Hollywood, still making movies and licking my ass to get me to do one of his stupid-ass screenplays.” George, you do not want Steve Bannon anywhere near your ass... but we get your point.