MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where, miracle of miracles, we actually have some good news for once! (We know! We’re as confused as you are!) This week joyously began with Republicans face-planting in spectacular fashion as they tried (again) and failed (again) to destroy Obamacare! Declining to even vote on their much-ballyhooed Cassidy-Graham health care bill, Republicans “abandoned their latest campaign to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, conceding that their plan lacked key support,” wrote the Washington Post. The Republicans’ decision to back down from (yet another bad, selfish, cruel) attempt to hurt Americans came about only after several key Republicans—including John McCain, Rand Paul, and Susan Collins—refused to support it. “I cannot in good conscience vote for the Graham-Cassidy proposal,” McCain said. “I believe we could do better working together, Republicans and Democrats, and have not yet really tried.” 2017: the year in which John McCain, the man responsible for the rise of Sarah Palin, somehow seems reasonable and wise. HOWEVER... Don’t get too excited, because we still live in a horrible and disintegrating empire. The failure of Cassidy-Graham, the Post adds, “combined with the GOP’s reluctance to fix weaknesses in the existing law, leaves states, insurers and millions of consumers who rely on its coverage with substantial uncertainty.” 2017: The year when “substantial uncertainty” still sounds better than the alternative.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

In other health care news... TOM CRUISE DOES NOT HAVE A FAKE BUTT. Recently, an image showing Cruise’s posterior in the 2008 film Valkyrie started making the, for lack of a better term, rounds—and it was very clear that some kind of bulbous, spherical padding was, shall we say, buttressing up Cruise’s cheeks. “No official statement has been made by Cruise’s side—until now,” wrote Screen Rant, who sat down with Cruise to ostensibly speak about his new film, American Made, but really to bravely ask him about the “fake butt” rumor! “He was unaware of the meme,” Screen Rant dutifully reports, “and, in no uncertain terms, happily shot the talk down.” “There was no prosthetic in Valkyrie. No,” Cruise insisted. Thankfully, the Pulitzer-worthy journos pressed further—asking Cruise about a scene in American Made in which he “moons his family.” Was this fake? “It’s me,” Cruise vowed. “It’s not CGI, it’s me. I do my own mooning in films. So let it be known—I do my own mooning.” We don’t have anything to add to this, dears. We just thought everyone should know that Tom Cruise says his butt is real, and he’s happy to show it to anyone and everyone. This news just felt important.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Today Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy magazine, died at the Playboy Mansion—which explains the howl of anguish we heard echoing from our basement this morning when Hubby Kip, buried somewhere in his stacks of moldering Playboys, heard the news. “The founder of the Playboy brand was a media pioneer and icon of the left, an early and very vocal advocate for free speech, civil rights and sexual liberation,” wrote Peggy Drexler for CNN. “As an activist, ‘Hef’ paved the way for open talk about sex and sexuality,” hired Black comedians at his Playboy clubs “at a time when many clubs were de facto segregated,” and used Playboy to publish groundbreaking stories, including “investigative pieces by writers like Hunter S. Thompson and interviews with heavyweights like Martin Luther King.” But, Drexler adds, Hefner’s legacy came with a dark side. “Hefner’s egalitarian society was one largely envisioned and created for men. The terms of his rebellion undeniably depended on putting women in a second-class role. It was the women, after all, whose sexuality was on display on the covers and in the centerfolds of his magazine, not to mention hanging on his shoulder, practically until the day he died.” Drexler, the author of Our Fathers, Ourselves: Daughters, Fathers, and the Changing American Family and Raising Boys Without Men, summed up Hef’s life more accurately than many of his fawning obits. “We should recognize that his legacy is not an unimpeachable one. It is, to say the least, a complicated one,” wrote Drexler. “Was Hefner a feminist? He may have thought he was. But perhaps like many men of a certain age, his definition of it was surely—and sorely—due for a tune-up.”

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Let’s quickly chat about White House Senior Adviser (and Trump son-in-law) Jared Kushner. Aside from the fact he looks like every villainous rich kid in every ’80s movie ever, he’s also a prime suspect/player in the ongoing Russia scandal. Not only was he in attendance at the famous Russian “We’ve got dirt on Hillary Clinton” meeting of 2016, but he also initially failed to disclose over 100 meetings with various foreign operatives (including those from Russia) during the campaign. Well, things just got juicier, because as CNN reported, now Kushner’s been busted for “forgetting” to tell a Senate investigative committee that he’s been using his private email for official correspondences. Hmm... does this remind you of anything from the 2016 campaign? Like maybe when then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was criticized for using her personal email for official business? Perhaps the following chant will jog Kushner’s memories: “LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!” (Ahhh... now we see why they enjoyed that so much!)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

TOM PRICE You're retired! CHIP SOMODEVILLA / GETTY IMAGES

Speaking of criminal behavior in the Trump administration (which, to be honest, happens at a dizzying pace): Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price has confessed to and apologized for using at least $400,000 of taxpayer money to travel the world on private planes, adding that he will happily write a check for nearly $52,000 to make up for his unethical behavior. Umm, nice try, asshole, but $52,000 does not equal $400,000. Apparently Price’s tone-deaf apology didn’t go over as well as he hoped because... LATER THAT SAME DAY... according to the New York Times, Price was berated “for about two hours” by the president in the Oval Office before being forced to resign. Turns out that Price’s actions were especially embarrassing to Trump, who built his campaign on promises to “drain the swamp” and is increasingly desperate for the approval of his drooling, hateful base—you know, since much of the rest of the country has turned against him. That said, we think everyone—regardless of political affiliation—would be happy if Price were forced to repay that $400,000 in a fair, reasonable way... like picking up trash on the side of the highway for the next 20 years.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

As we know, President Trump has been extremely busy this week deleting supportive tweets about loser GOP candidate Luther Strange, picking fights with the NFL, threatening North Korea, and denying that the GOP’s health care disaster is dead in the water... but wait... is he forgetting anything? OH SHIT, PUERTO RICO! The devastation from Hurricane Maria has caused immeasurable damage and hardship to the United States territory, leaving American citizens with very little food or drinking water, and in desperate need of assistance. When San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz told reporters, “I am begging, begging anyone who can hear us to save us from dying.... We are dying, and you are killing us with the inefficiency,” President Trump responded by leaping into action! Which is to say, he leapt into a golf cart. While relaxing at his Bedminster golf resort, Trump lashed out at Cruz’s accusations, tweeting that dying Puerto Rican citizens “want everything done for them when it should be a community effort.” (This, of course, falls perfectly in line with Trump’s other racist dog-whistle proclamations about Mexicans, NFL players, and Muslim travel bans, all while protecting “alt-right” Nazis.) He went on to insinuate that Cruz and other local officials were “politically motivated ingrates.” Interestingly, “politically motivated ingrate” Cruz has been sleeping on a cot when she’s not on the streets of San Juan delivering drinking water and solar-powered lanterns to her people. But Trump’s been busy, too! Just today he announced he was dedicating the Presidents Cup golf tournament to the victims of Puerto Rico—because let’s face it, watching a bunch of white guys in polo shirts and Dockers swinging clubs (that someone else carries) is nothing short of inspirational.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1

Today a 64-year-old white terrorist armed with 23 guns fired on a crowd at a Las Vegas country music festival, killing (as of press time) 59 people and wounding over 500. It is being called America’s worst mass shooting in modern US History, and yet? Nothing will be done about it. (At least by politicians.) We hate to be defeatist, but this is yet another example of how the GOP—who are so devoted to restricting the freedoms of others—refuse to make gun control a priority. In fact, this coming week, Congress is expected to pass a bill that will make it easier and cheaper for gun owners and murderers to purchase silencers for their weapons. In short, the GOP has been and will continue to aid terrorists, and... waitasecond. Isn’t “providing material support for terrorism” a criminal violation of the Patriot Act? LOCK THEM UP. LOCK THEM UP. LOCK THEM UP.