Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2

As we mentioned last week, dears, the deadliest mass shooting in modern American history took place last night in Las Vegas, leaving 59 dead, 527 injured, and, as of yet, no clear motive from the suicidal shooter—aside from “senseless slaughter enabled by America’s lethally irresponsible gun laws,” of course! According to the New York Times, the 64-year-old white gunman had “at least 23 firearms,” “hundreds of rounds of ammunition,” and “two rifles outfitted with scopes and set up on tripods in front of two big windows” in the hotel suite where he fired down at attendees of a country music festival, sending screams, blood, tears, and chaos into Las Vegas’ neon-lit streets. In last week’s One Day at a Time, we wearily, depressingly predicted that even in the wake of such unspeakable horror, nothing would be done to prevent future shootings—despite the fact they are, you know, totally preventable. And guess what? As we write this, one week later, nothing meaningful has been done about it. That can’t possibly be related to the fact that the GOP is owned by the NRA, can it? IN RELATED NEWS... “There were six other mass shootings in America this past week alone,” points out the Guardian, which tallies America’s mass shootings—and which notes that the Las Vegas shooting was merely the 1,516th mass shooting in the past 1,735 days. “Data compiled by the Gun Violence Archive reveals a shocking human toll,” the Guardian continues. “There is a mass shooting—defined as a four or more people shot in one incident, not including the shooter—every nine out of 10 days on average.” Synchronize your watches, everybody! Time to reset our countdown clock for America’s next horrific mass shooting. Like last night’s, it will shock everyone stupid when it happens, then fade from our national memory 20 minutes later.


TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3

Meanwhile, NRA lickspittle and profound national disgrace Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, visited Puerto Rico, the US territory that remains utterly ruined following Hurricane Maria. “President Trump finally visited Puerto Rico two weeks after Hurricane Maria,” reports Vice. “After first saying that Maria wasn’t ‘a real catastrophe like Katrina’ during the visit, the president went to a church to meet with victims of the storm, passing out canned food and chucking rolls of paper towels to random people in the crowd, like T-shirts at a baseball game.” Oh, it gets worse. After he got bored with tossing paper towels, the Washington Post reports, Trump cast his gaze around to see what else he could throw. “When he contemplated doing the same with the cans of chicken,” the Post writes, “the crowd gently told him no.”


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4

Creepy White Guy
Win McNamee / Getty Images

Only a moron would try to throw cans of chicken at hurricane survivors,” you’re surely thinking—and you’re not the only one! Today, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was forced to have a press conference to, as the Post puts it, “pledge his fealty to the president”—and push aside his “well-documented unhappiness in the job.” Oh, and also to push aside the well-documented fact he thinks Donald Trump is a goddamn moron. “Tillerson’s spokeswoman also felt compelled to publicly deny an NBC News report that Tillerson had called the president a ‘moron,’” the Post continues, adding that after Tillerson’s weird, awkward press conference, Trump—who has publicly humiliated the secretary of state on multiple occasions—now says he has “total confidence” in Tillerson. In case you’re wondering what a country with a moron in charge looks like: This is it. (Keep your eyes open and your heads up, dears: More disasters are coming. Watch out for cans of chicken.)


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5

Creepy White Guy
Jamie McCarthy / Getty Images

Today in ew, EW, EW, and EWWWWWWW: Longtime Hollyweird studio boss Harvey Weinstein has been accused of sexually harassing actresses and coworkers for at least three decades, according to a lengthy exposé in the New York Times. The famous producer—responsible for such cinematic hits as Sex, Lies, and Videotape, Good Will Hunting, and Pulp Fiction—allegedly had a particularly icky method of seduction, in which he would appear nude or nearly nude in front of his victims (which included various personal assistants and actresses including Ashley Judd and Rose McGowan), and ask them to give him a massage, and/or watch him shower. (Oh yes, it gets worse.) Los Angeles reporter Lauren Silvan followed up on the Times story, adding that 10 years ago, Weinstein cornered her in a restaurant, and masturbated in front of her, ejaculating into a potted plant. (ALL TOGETHER NOW: “EWWWWWW!”) This is the point in the story when various emotionally stunted white guys chime in to rhetorically ask, “Why weren’t these crimes reported years ago?” Well, it could be that Harvey Weinstein is probably the most powerful man in Hollywood who could easily crush any career he pleased. Soooo... yeah! Bit of a power imbalance there, fellas! Soon after, Weinstein’s legal advisor/protector Lisa Bloom resigned her position after being dragged up and down the internet by furious feminists, including HER OWN MOTHER Gloria Allred, who said in a statement, “Had I been asked by Mr. Weinstein to represent him, I would have declined, because I do not represent individuals accused of sexual harassment.” One follow-up question: Who’s going to represent that poor potted plant, because—again—ew, ew, ew, ew, EWWWW!


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6

Let’s temporarily move from Hollyweird EW! to local law enforcement EW! According to the Oregonian, a long-time Clackamas County Sheriff’s deputy thought it would be a cool idea to get some of his fellow officers together to pose for nude photos in the county courthouse for a fun calendar to be given to a retiring co-worker. (Quick interjection: Did we fall asleep and somehow wake up in 1974? Didn’t think so. Moving on!) The calendar reportedly featured topless photos of men and women cops, some outside of work while others were taken inside the courthouse, including one nearly nude person sitting on a toilet, and another on top of some poor employee’s desk. THIS, PEOPLE, IS WHY WE TELECOMMUTE! When asked for his reaction to the controversial photo shoot, Sheriff Craig Roberts said, “Behavior like this, if true, is not acceptable and extremely troubling.” (Which is exactly what I said to Hubby Kip when he dressed up like a pantsless cop for our anniversary.)


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7

Creepy White Guy
Getty Images

If you’re looking for tone-deaf reactions to the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal from dumb white guys who should know better—today is your lucky day! Chinless worm and son to the president Donald Trump Jr. decided to vomit up various opinions about Weinstein (who donated extensively to Democrats and their causes) on Twitter, harping about the so-called “silence” from Hollywood and others, including Hillary Clinton. “Weird, Hillary has been really quiet about Harvey Weinstein,” he pecked with two fingers on his 2006 Blackberry. “You would think she would be all Over this.” Here’s something else that’s weird, Don Jr.: You’ve being weirdly quiet about your dad, who was accused of sexually harassing multiple women and admitted he “grabbed women by the pussy.” The major difference between him and Weinstein? Your dad was elected president, and got away with it. At least for now. We’ll see what happens after the Russia investigation. (Good luck with that, by the way. From what we understand, the first thing they take away upon arrival at prison is your Twitter account.)


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8

Mike Pence
Ethan Miller / Getty Images

And just to let you know that the Trump administration is working on the important stuff, today Vice President Mike Pence attended an NFL game in Indianapolis between the 49ers and Colts for the sole purpose of stomping out in a huff. Knowing full well that players would be taking a knee during the national anthem in solidarity for those in the Black Lives Matter movement, Pence showed up at the game anyway, acted horrified for the cameras when the players kneeled, and immediately left so he could pat himself on the back on Twitter. Oh, yeah—it probably should be mentioned that Pence and Trump’s cool publicity stunt cost American taxpayers a whopping $242,000. And that doesn’t include whatever it cost for extra security at the stadium, the police motorcade, and the various city services that always comes with a visiting dignitary. Lucky for us, no one really needed that money—except of course the hurricane victims of Houston, Florida, and Puerto Rico. (But as we can see, Trump and Pence have their priorities.)