Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, OCTOBER 9

HERO CHIP SOMODEVILL / GETTY IMAGES

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we really wish we could go back to gabbing about gossip! Remember the halcyon days when this trashy column was all about whatever oblivious, stupid thing Lindsay Lohan said? Good times. Alas, those times are over: The world is on fire; America is teetering on the brink of societal, financial, and environmental collapse; and each of us is reminded, every hour on the hour, that humankind deserves its heinous fate. Which brings us to this shitshow clownfuck of a week, which began with one brave Republican pointing out that Donald Trump is... well, let’s have the New York Times explain! “Senator Bob Corker, the Republican chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, charged in an interview on Sunday that President Trump was treating his office like ‘a reality show,’ with reckless threats toward other countries that could set the nation ‘on the path to World War III,’” says the Times! “He concerns me,” Corker added. “He would have to concern anyone who cares about our nation.” Please note that Corker isn’t the only Republican who’s spoken out against his party’s Nazi charlatan (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes)—just last week, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson had to publicly deny reports that he called Trump a “moron.” But please also note that while Corker finally found his backbone, plenty of other Republicans haven’t. And so the world continues to burn. MEANWHILE... And Trump responded exactly as you’d expect, lashing out at “‘Liddle’ Bob Corker” on Twitter with a slew of insults and lies. Citing Trump’s “myopic impulse to counterpunch whenever he feels attacked,” the Washington Post noted the president’s “tirade encapsulates five reasons why Trump has failed at governing”—from the fact he’d rather tweet than work (“If he sincerely cared about getting big bills done, he wouldn’t go to war with Corker,”) to the fact he still doesn’t know what a president does (“Much of what has gone haywire since January was a foreseeable consequence of electing someone with no prior government or military experience to lead the government”). (Confidential to Lindsay Lohan: PLEASE COME BACK.—Ann.)


TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10

Oh god. It’s getting worse. “President Trump proposed an ‘IQ tests’ faceoff with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson after the nation’s top diplomat reportedly called the president a ‘moron,’” reports the Washington Post! Which means some insufferable know-it-all from Mensa should show up in five, four, three, two... one. “American Mensa would be happy to hold a testing session for President Trump and Secretary Tillerson,” said Charles Brown, Mensa’s communications director and an insufferable know-it-all. Okay, first: GIANT EYEROLL. Second: Hey, Mensa! Stop encouraging Donald Trump! Shouldn’t you be smarter than that?


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11

ALSO A HERO THEO WARGO / GETTY IMAGES

And on the other side of our once-proud nation, allegations continued to hit Harvey Weinstein, the big-shot Hollywood producer who—surprise!—sexually harassed and assaulted women for decades. This week a slew of women came forward to speak of their Weinstein encounters—including Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, and Kate Beckinsale. “I was called to meet Harvey Weinstein at the Savoy Hotel when I was 17,” Beckinsale began, adding that Weinstein insisted on meeting her not in a conference room but in his hotel room, where he answered the door in a bathrobe and offered her alcohol. “I said no to him professionally many times over the years—some of which ended up with him screaming at me calling me a cunt and making threats,” she continued. “It speaks to the status quo in this business that I was aware that standing up for myself and saying no to things, while it did allow me to feel uncompromised in myself, undoubtedly harmed my career and was never something I felt supported by anyone other than my family. I would like to applaud the women who have come forward, and to pledge that we can from this create a new paradigm where producers, managers, executives, and assistants and everyone who has in the past shrugged and said, ‘Well, that’s just Harvey/Mr. X/insert name here’ will realize that we in numbers can affect real change.... Let’s stop allowing our young women to be sexual cannon fodder, and let’s remember that Harvey is an emblem of a system that is sick, and that we have work to do.” You said it, Kate. MEANWHILE...Lindsay Lohan came to Harvey Weinstein’s defense late Tuesday, sharing support for the disgraced mogul in a now-deleted Instagram video,” reports Entertainment Weekly. “Hi, this is Lindsay Lohan,” Lohan said, obliviously and stupidly. “Hi. I’m in Dubai. I’m home and I feel very bad for Harvey Weinstein right now.” (Confidential to Lindsay Lohan: OKAY, GO AWAY AGAIN PLEASE.—Ann.)


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12

As proof that Donald Trump would fail any IQ test miserably, today the president signed an executive order designed to cripple Obamacare. His newest scheme to destabilize the insurance markets would allow small businesses to buy “association health plans” which could provide less expensive coverage. (Here comes the “unfortunately”...) UNFORTUNATELY, these plans also provide fewer benefits, are susceptible to fraud, could weaken the market, and drive costs up significantly for everyone else. In short, Trump is willfully putting millions of Americans in danger just so he can tell his ignorant, slavish base that he (not the Republicans) destroyed Obamacare. However, since this stupid decision could just as easily ruin his chances for reelection (as well as those for the GOP), we have a question: Can the result of an IQ test be a negative number?


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13

And like dominoes of depravity, the sexually harassing shitheads of Hollyweird are starting to fall. In reaction to the Harvey Weinstein revelations, more and more women are bravely speaking out about being harassed and assaulted within the entertainment industry and elsewhere. This has led to the exposure of more male garbage humans, including Amazon Studios’ top entertainment executive Roy Price, who has been suspended after being accused of verbally harassing producer Isa Hackett in a very grotesque manner. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Bat-actor and Weinstein collaborator Ben Affleck was also dragged around the internet this week when a 2003 video emerged of him groping One Tree Hill actress Hilarie Burton on MTV. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Following blowhard director Oliver Stone’s statement that Weinstein “shouldn’t be condemned by a vigilante system,” (!!) guess what happened? “Oliver Stone Accused of Groping TV Actress in Early 1990s” read the headline in today’s Hollywood Reporter. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! (To be continued tomorrow, because we need to soak our eyeballs in vodka.)


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! (Cont’d.) As we know, director Woody Allen is no stranger to icky sex scandals and abuse allegations. (Or do you need to be reminded that he courted and married his adopted daughter? Didn’t think so.) And yet Allen felt the need to open his wrinkled clap-trap to say he felt “sad for everybody involved” in the Weinstein saga (including Weinstein himself), adding that he feared a “witch hunt atmosphere... where every guy in an office who winks at a woman is suddenly having to call a lawyer to defend himself.” OH FOR THE FREAKING LOVE OF GOD. Soon after making this incredibly asinine observation, Allen walked his comments back—but you know what? Fuck this guy. Following his sex scandal, NO ONE in Hollyweird would work with Allen, until someone gave him another chance. And that person was... (surprise!) Harvey Weinstein, who produced his comeback film, Bullets Over Broadway. So yeah: Fuck Woody Allen, fuck Harvey Weinstein, fuck all the Hollywood enablers, and fuck every guy on Twitter who’s piping up with their “yes, buts....” Men have one job right now, and that’s to shut up, listen to women, and try to do better. And for now? THAT’S ALL.


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15

SORT OF A HERO MICHAEL LOCCISANO / GETTY IMAGES

(Meanwhile, and three apple martinis later....) Ahhhh. That hit the spot. Now that we’re significantly less INSANE, we’re ready to talk about a white male who actually evolved this week. (Ahem.) Friends, celebrity chef Guy Fieri has disavowed his black Hawaiian-style flame shirt. In an interview with Dan Pashman on the Sporkful podcast, the spiky-haired Food Network star spoke in no uncertain terms about his most famous piece of clothing. “Goddamn, I hate that shirt,” said Fieri, who hasn’t been seen in the shirt in seven years. “There’s a picture of me in that flamed shirt that everybody loves. So people are going to say, ‘Oh man, everything’s flamed at his house.’ And I just kind of go, ‘Well, think what you’re going to think.’” Yes, Guy Fieri has terrible white spiked hair and a goatee. Yes, Guy Fieri often wears sunglasses on the back of his head. But Guy Fieri no longer wears a flamed T-shirt—and in a week of terrible men doing terrible things, we bid you goodbye with three words: Could be worse.