MARLOWE DOBBE

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16

KIMMEL 2020 EMMA MCINTYRE / GETTY IMAGES

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your trusted voice in an insane world™. SO, IS EVERYTHING STILL BEWILDERING AND TERRIBLE? Yes, we’re afraid so. (Sorry! Mwah!) Even more bewilderingly, some of the people working to make things less terrible are... um... not who we expected? “Some things are more important than bringing in a big audience,” Jimmy Kimmel told the New York Times, explaining how his show has rocketed past those of John Oliver and Stephen Colbert to become one of the best places for discussion of current events, with Kimmel using smart, heartfelt monologues to address everything from health care to gun control. (After the Las Vegas massacre, he noted Republicans “should be praying to God to forgive them for letting the gun lobby run this country.”) “I hope that we, as a nation, get back to a time where I can have a normal, well-rounded show that’s more focused on Beyoncé and Jay-Z than Donald and Ivanka,” Kimmel told the NY Times. “But for the time being, this is what’s at the forefront of people’s minds.” We never thought we’d say it about the guy who used to host The Man Show, but... good on you, Jimmy! Keep it up. SPEAKING OF UNEXPECTED ALLIES... Hustler publisher Larry Flynt published a full-page ad in yesterday’s Washington Post offering $10 million “for information leading to the impeachment and removal from office of Donald J. Trump.” “Make no mistake, I fully intend to pay this entire sum,” Flynt wrote. “Sure, I could use that $10 million to buy luxuries or further my businesses, but what good would that do me in a world devastated by the most powerful moron in history?” We never thought we’d say it about the guy who publishes Hustler, but... good on you, Larry! Keep it—well, “keep it up” has a somewhat different meaning when Hustler is involved. So just... good on you, Larry.


TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17

Oh god. Where to even start? Today Donald Trump, the bellowing halfwit who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, was asked why he had yet to speak to the families of four US Army Special Forces soldiers killed in Niger. “If you look at President Obama and other presidents, most of them didn’t make calls,” Trump lied. “A lot of them didn’t make calls. I like to call when it’s appropriate, when I think I am able to do it.” As presidential historians quickly set the record straight—reminding everyone that Trump lies, and this was another Trump lie—Trump hastily started calling the soldiers’ next of kin. This included Myesha Johnson, whose husband, Sgt. La David Johnson, was one of the soldiers who gave his life in the line of duty. “He couldn’t remember my husband’s name,” Johnson later told Good Morning America, adding that Trump said her husband “knew what he signed up for but it hurts anyway. And it made me cry because I was very angry at the tone in his voice and why he said it,” and that hearing from Trump “made me cry even worse.” We don’t have a joke for this one, dears—because unlike someone we could mention, we have a shred of basic fucking decency.


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18

Because nothing makes sense anymore, former Blink-182 member Tom DeLonge is attempting to crowdfund a spaceship! “I have brought together an elite team,” DeLonge, an avid conspiracy theorist, wrote on Facebook. “We are aiming to build this ElectroMagnetic Vehicle to travel instantaneously through Space, Air, and Water by engineering the fabric of Space-Time.” DeLonge has already raised almost half a million dollars (great use of money, everybody who donated!), which he also plans to use to investigate “supranormal experiences,” “develop protocols” for telepathy, and work on a “dystopian young adult franchise.” At any other point in history, DeLonge would be laughed out of whatever room he stumbled into. But at this point in history? Well, at this point in history, who wouldn’t want to engineer the fabric of spacetime and get as far away from here as possible? Sign us up... even if it means being stuck in a spaceship with Tom DeLonge. :(


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19

Speaking of nothing making any sense anymore, formerly maligned ex-president George W. Bush was given a big group hug by the internet today, after speaking out about Trump’s racist policies. At a conference in New York, Bush—while never mentioning Trump’s name—defended immigration while denouncing bigotry and isolationism. “We’ve seen nationalism distorted into nativism, forgotten the dynamism that immigration has always brought to America,” he said. “We’ve seen the return of isolationist sentiments, forgetting that American security is directly threatened by the chaos and despair of distant places.” These worthwhile statements garnered wild cheers from many on the left—until everybody suddenly stopped and said, “Waaaaaaitasecond. Isn’t this the same George W. Bush who lied about weapons of mass destruction in order to start a war with Iraq? And isn’t this the same George W. Bush that ignored the victims of Hurricane Katrina, leading Kanye West to blurt on live television, ‘George Bush doesn’t care about Black people’? And isn’t this the same George W. Bush who looked away as a wave of Chinese imports wiped out American jobs, causing near economic disaster in the late 2000s?” Yep! Same guy! So let’s not forget: While nowadays he may be playing the teddy bear statesman, Bush practically wrote the playbook for Trump, who has taken the former president’s policies and turned them up to 11. (Ugh! A Spinal Tap joke? Sorry! See what this administration makes us do?)


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20

TAY-TAY’S BAE-BAE JAMIE MCCARTHY / GETTY IMAGES

Speaking of unstoppable monsters, Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend! It’s unknown how long actor Joe Alwyn (Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk) and Taylor have been dating, but he’s reportedly the subject of her newest single “Gorgeous”—maybe because he looks just like her? (Seriously, with their pale skin and blonde locks, the two look like a buy-one-get-one-free pack of Dove soap. BAM! ROASTED!) While the song mentions gorgeous Joe’s “ocean blue eyes,” as usual the song is really about Taylor and her barely contained bubbling rage. “There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have,” her song continues. “You are so gorgeous, it makes me so mad.” In other words, Joe? Stop your long halftime walks and RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Because if past boyfriends are any indication, her next release will be titled, “The Breakup Song (DIE, JOE, DIEEEEEEE!)”


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21

We all knew, deep within our souls, that the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment case wasn’t going to stop with him—because harassment happens, like, every day and, like, everywhere. And now another alleged women-abusing troglodyte has been exposed: According to the Los Angeles Times, director/screenwriter James Toback has been accused of harassment by no fewer than 200 women (so far). Toback is best known for directing two films no one has ever seen (Black and White, Two Girls and a Guy) and for writing the barely remembered Warren Beatty movie Bugsy. However, the women he reportedly abused remember him very well and share similar stories: He would introduce himself as a director, lure them into a private audition, ask sexually charged questions, and then, writes the LA Times, “he’d dry-hump them or masturbate in front of them, ejaculating into his pants or onto their bodies and then walk away. Meeting over.” GAHHHHH! And EWWWWW! Actress Starr Rinaldi says he coerced her by questioning her commitment to her craft. “And the horrible thing is,” she said, “whichever road you choose, whether you sleep with him or walk away, you’re still broken. You have been violated.” For the record, Toback (like Weinstein, like Donald Trump, like your creepy boss, like every man who refuses to believe this happens on the regular) denies every single one of the 200 current, wildly similar allegations.


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22

This weekend, five ex-presidents—Obama, Clinton, both Bushes, and Jimmy Carter—came together on one stage in Texas to help raise money for hurricane relief efforts. (As we write this, nearly 80 percent of Puerto Rico is still without power.) One noticeable presidential absence? Donald Trump, who, instead of helping these former leaders raise money, was—you know what’s coming, right? Golfing. BUT! BUT! BUT! Because we refuse to end this week on such a dour, soul-crushing note, know this: The mostly Black students of Mississippi’s Davis Elementary School (named after Confederate asshole president Jefferson Davis) petitioned to have their school renamed—and they won. Starting next year, these kids will be attending Obama Elementary... and no, we’re not crying. These are martini tears of joy.