MONDAY, OCTOBER 23

QUITTER DREW ANGERER / GETTY IMAGES

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where America’s grand experiment of representative democracy continues to get... hmm. Maybe a C-minus? A D-plus? That might be a little high, actually, but we are grading on a curve. That curve, BTW, is the glittering arc of gin as martini after martini splashes down our throat. ANYWAYS... Senator Jeff Flake began the week, as the Washington Post reports, by announcing “plans to retire from the US Senate at the end of his term, saying he was out of step with the Republican Party in the era of President Trump.” While many were quick to cheer Flake’s condemnation of Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), that wore off pretty quickly! “All right! Jeff Flake! Way to eventually go! It took kinda-sorta guts to stand up only 11 months after the election and tell America not to elect Donald Trump,” noted Seth Meyers. “You said, ‘Hey, I don’t care if this hurts my 18 percent approval rating. And yeah, maybe I voted to confirm Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos, even though one lied during his confirmation hearing, and the other spells ‘lie’ with an ‘h.’ But I’m going to stand up and do what was right a year ago. I’m going to fight for the American people—by quitting my job of fighting for the American people.’” Meyers is right: We don’t need any more lame-duck Republicans mumbling as they walk out the door. We need Republicans to stand up to Trump while they’re in office. There have to be a few of those somewhere, right? Right?

*sound of crickets*

*sound of Ann stirring another martini*

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24

Let out that sigh of relief, everybody: Kid Rock is not running for public office! “Fucking no, I’m not running for Senate! Are you fucking kidding me?” Kid Rock told Howard Stern yesterday. “Like, who fucking couldn’t figure that out? I’m putting out a new record on November, whatever, third or something like that. I’m going on tour, too—which no one’s gonna print.... Fuck no! Are you fucking shitting me?” Phew! That was a close one! Thank god we won’t have to deal with another idiot celebrity going into politi—OH. WAIT... “They always say that people vote against what they didn’t like about the previous president, right? And I think [Trump’s] so ineffective, people will look for somebody who can get something done who’s not a politician.” So speaketh Mark Cuban—billionaire, star of Shark Tank, and the guy who replaced Donald Trump to play the president in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!—in an interview with the New York Times about the fact he’s “considering” a presidential run in 2020. On one hand, anyone would be an upgrade after Trump. But on the other hand... ooh, look what’s in our other hand! It’s another martini!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25

“Bill O’Reilly has repeatedly blamed reports of sexual misconduct on a politically motivated media. On Monday, he admitted that he also blames a higher power,” reports CNN. “Am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at Him,” blathered O’Reilly on his web series. “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at Him.” So, just to clarify: O’Reilly—a serial sexual harasser who continued to be employed by Fox News even after he paid $32 million in hush money to keep one of his many victims quiet—blames God for “this stuff” happening, and also for not giving him “more protection.” Thanks for the explanation, Bill! Turns out it was all God’s fault, and you’re totally blameless! IN RELATED NEWS... “Bullshit!” proclaimeth God, His mighty voice booming from the heavens! “That creepy little shit has nobody to blame but himself—and in the future, leave Me out of this! Ugh. All of you are gross and terrible, and I regret making Earth. Now leave Me alone! David Bowie and Prince are picking Me up so we can get high and go cosmic bowling.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26

Speaking of people who’ve been shunned by God, Trump’s ICE agents hit a new low today when they detained a 10-year-old with cerebral palsy (yes, that’s bad enough, but wait, it gets worse...) who was on her way to the hospital for emergency gall bladder surgery. The girl, Rosamaria Hernandez, was brought illegally into the country when she was three months old because her mother knew the child would get better treatment in the States. Nevertheless, she’s growing up in Trump’s America—where such cruel arrests have skyrocketed 40 percent since last year. This time the immigration agents followed the sick little girl to the hospital and waited outside her door until she was well enough to be detained. “Hey, that’s not on Me!” God snapped in response. “Blame who’s actually responsible: Trump, those who voted for Trump, the GOP, Christians, white men, Vladimir Putin, and the internet. I’d love to get involved, but frankly? I don’t exist.”

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27

DERP MARK WILSON / GETTY IMAGES

And “the evil that men do” continues! As we reported last week, fedora-wearing alleged sexual harasser James Toback (best known for films you’ve never heard of) has been accused by more than 300 women (300!!) of very similar sexual abuses. He’s denying all 300 allegations, because after all, he’s a man and pretty sure he can get away with it. Today Toback was interviewed for Rolling Stone, and when asked about the numerous claims that he offered film roles in exchange for sex, he had this to say: “The idea that I would offer a part to anyone for any other reason than that he or she was gonna be the best of anyone I could find is so disgusting to me.” Toback then pointedly added, “And anyone who says it is a lying cocksucker or cunt or both. Can I be any clearer than that?” No, Toback—your attitude toward women is abundantly clear. MEANWHILE... Today reporters asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders if the White House thought the dozen or so women who’ve accused the president of sexual assault were liars. “We’ve been clear on that in the beginning,” Sanders responded, “and the President’s spoken on that.” In other words, he’s denying all of it—conveniently forgetting he actually confessed to sexual assault when bragging pre-election about “grabbing women by the pussy.” (In his defense, Trump tells a LOT of lies, which must be so confusing! Does he need us to replay the tape?)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28

Today CNN reported that Special Counsel (and our dream boyfriend) Robert Mueller had charged someone in the Trump/Russia investigation with an actual crime! SQUEEEEAL! While the devilishly handsome Mueller was playing coy about who he was planning to charge, we all knew who it was going to be, and by Monday morning we found out we were right! It’s former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort! (Ding! Ding! We earned a martini!) Manafort, along with business partner Rick Gates, received a 12-count indictment which included money laundering and false statements. SQUEEEEAL! Meanwhile Trump’s former foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos was also charged for lying to the FBI about attempting to broker a deal between the Trump campaign and high-ranking Russian officials. SQUEEEEAL! In short... SOMETHING IS FINALLY HAPPENING, PEOPLE! But don’t plan that lavish impeachment party just yet. There’s still a lot more investigating (and pain) to endure. Still, today wasn’t just another “drip drip.” It was more like a “squirt splash!” (Hmm. Note to self: Work on metaphors.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29

Since grotesque bits of news are the new normal now, we’re forced to end this week on a bitter note. Kevin Spacey apologized today following accusations from actor Anthony Rapp that the House of Cards star made unwanted sexual advances on him 31 years ago. The alleged event took place at a Hollywood party when Rapp was 14 years old, and Spacey was 26. According to Buzzfeed, at the end of the evening Spacey “picked Rapp up, placed him on his bed, and climbed on top of him, making a sexual advance.” Spacey claims he doesn’t remember the encounter, but wrote on Twitter today, “If I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology....” And sure, he could’ve stopped there, but instead he made it much, much worse. “This story has encouraged me to address other things about my life,” he wrote in the same statement. “I now choose to live as a gay man.” WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. Two things: Everybody knew, or at least assumed, Spacey is gay. But to drop this not-revelation into an apology for sexually assaulting a minor? That clearly perpetuates the myth that homosexuals prey upon the young. “Ugh! That lie is older than I am,” God said on His way out the door. “I swear to Me, if I wasn’t late for a tennis match with Carrie Fisher, I’d flood the place.”