Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30

GORGE-LESS Tim Boyle / getty images

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we actually have some good news? What!? Weeeeeeeird! (Don’t worry! We’re sure something awful will happen later!) This week, the Oregonian’s Hillary Borrud reported that Nestlé—the world’s largest food company, and one that’s faced allegations of child labor, deforestation, price-fixing, and forced labor—has been foiled in their attempt to build a bottled water plant in the Columbia River Gorge. “Nestlé Waters’ plan to bottle water from a spring near Cascade Locks appears to be dead,” wrote Borrud, “after Gov. Kate Brown directed state officials to stop an exchange of water rights that was crucial to the deal.” This ends a decade-long debate in Cascade Locks—where some had hoped for jobs that Nestlé promised, while others suggested a massive transnational corporation invading the Gorge |not be the best idea. Overall, a Nestlé-free Gorge is a big win—especially in an era when Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) is doing everything he can to destroy the environment. THAT SAID... We’ll admit we’re just a touch nervous that Nestlé might seek revenge by refusing to sell Nestlé Crunch bars in Oregon. Once you get past the aftertaste of human and environmental exploitation, those are delicious, and we refuse to listen to anyone who says otherwise! (Especially if they’re one of those idiots who says Krackel is superior. Please. Fuck a Krackel.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31

It’s the scariest Halloween ever, everyone—because it might be our last one ever! As longtime readers of One Day know, we have an annual tradition of using this stupid holiday to highlight stupid costumes from stupid celebrities... so let’s get to it! Lady Gaga dressed up as Edward Scissorhands (and looked the best she ever has). Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel dressed up as Toy Story characters (which are not the kind of toys we want to see those two using). LeBron James was Pennywise (okay, that’s pretty good), while Kourtney and Kim Kardashian were Michael Jackson and Madonna (okay, that’s terrible). But the best Halloween costume of 2017 went to... ooh, how we hate to say this... Gwyneth Paltrow?! On most days, Goopy Gwynnie dresses as oblivious white privilege, but even we have to admit her Halloween costume was a-may-zing: She put her head in a cardboard box and replicated the final scene from Se7en, when Brad Pitt opens a cardboard box and finds Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head. (If you want to replicate this costume next year, Goop is currently selling cardboard boxes for $249.99.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1

Well, this sounds ominous: Scientists have found an unexpected, mysterious void in the Great Pyramid—a structure that CNN calls “a 30-meter long space” in the pyramid’s limestone and granite walls, which have existed since 2560 BC. (That’s even older than Mitch McConnell!) AND IT GETS CREEPIER... The void was almost certainly intentional! “When you’re dealing with creating a monument to house the immortal remains of an individual who bridges heaven and Earth, and whose ascendance to the stars helps assure the perpetual prosperity of Egypt, I don’t think [this void] was a cost-cutting measure,” archeologist Adam Maskevich told Vox, whi—THIS JUST IN! FROM EGYPT! “Cursed mortals! You’ve discovered my dreaded Apocalypse Chamber!” wheezed High Priest Imhotep as he lurched from his rotting sarcophagus, his voice the sound of dying locusts and forgotten bones, his abyssal eye sockets slick with black-red ichor. “That walk-in closet was supposed to be top secret,” Imhotep coughed, as each of his shuffling steps brought agony and pestilence to all within his clawed grasp. “The Apocalypse Chamber contains ancient, unspeakable evils that once unleashed shall ensure everlasting catastrophe, the butchery of humankind, and... wait, what? Jeff Sessions already got out the Apocalypse Chamber? How the heck did that happen? Huh. Well, in that case, I’m going back to sleep. Good luck!”

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2

For 11 minutes—11 beautiful, perfect minutes—the world righted itself, and hope sprang anew... because Donald Trump’s Twitter account was temporarily deactivated. Those searching for the latest nonsensical/racist screed from our tweeter-in-chief were met with the blaring proclamation, “Sorry, that page doesn’t exist!” Had Twitter finally, finally, FINALLY stopped its hypocritical support of a war-mongering, fact-mangling, fear-spreading president? Of course not, silly! It was an anonymous hero among their ranks, who, during his or her last day as a Twitter employee, deleted the president’s despicable account on their way out the door. While much of those 11 minutes were filled with confusion over what had happened—our fave theory was Special Counsel Robert Mueller slipping into the president’s DMs to look for Putin love notes—when Trump’s Twitter account returned, it was like he’d never left. Almost immediately this lying sack of sexist/racist shit was back to denouncing “Crooked Hillary” and referring to Elizabeth Warren as “Pocahontas.” And while we may never learn the name of the rogue former Twitter employee, we must forever honor this national hero who gave us 11 wonderful minutes of much-needed silence. (How about changing Columbus Day to Rogue Twitter Employee Day?)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3

UNNNGGHHHHH. It’s time again to check in on the continuing deluge of sexual harassment charges leveled at the entitled male pricks of Hollyweird. This week, Rush Hour director Brett Ratner was accused of sexually harassing six women (thus far) in a reportedly very disgusting manner. (Why is non-consensual masturbation always involved? No one wants to see that!) MEANWHILE... Actor Dustin Hoffman apologized following revelations that he groped and verbally abused a 17-year-old intern in 1985, saying, “It is not reflective of who I am.” (Spoiler alert: It is reflective of exactly who he is.) MEANWHILE AGAIN... Mounting claims of sexual abuse continue to plague actor Kevin Spacey, who, after coming out as gay in a clearly stupid and unrelated excuse for his actions, is seeking “evaluation and treatment” for being a gross pedo creeper. And he can also say goodbye to his regular House of Cards paycheck, since Netflix announced they would be severing all ties with Spacey after many HoC staffers announced they’d also been harassed by the actor. AND ALSO MEANWHILE... President Trump has been accused of sexual misconduct by no fewer than 16 women (thus far), and yet will not be apologizing, seeking treatment/evaluation, or losing his job. (See, if Kevin Spacey had been an actual president, he could’ve gotten off scot-free.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4

Today in “No! No! Noooooooooo!”: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are a couple again, according to Us Weekly. NOOOOOOO! It’s been three years since the pair called off their on-again-off-again relationship for what should’ve been the last time. However, after dumping her most recent beau—the poorly named The Weeknd—and undergoing a kidney transplant, Selena has agreed to take back Justin, who was reportedly begging her to rekindle their affair. Says a gabby source to Us, “They’ve grown up a lot in the past couple of years and are mature about the situation.” Soooooo... since Justin is no longer peeing in restaurant mop buckets, abandoning pets in Germany, egging his neighbor’s house, being carried up the Great Wall of China by his security team, or drag-racing down his neighborhood’s quiet streets, we’re calling him mature? Selena, last warning: Take whatever’s left of your kidneys, and run for your life.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 5

Because we can’t get through a week without a horrifying mass shooting: 26 people died and 20 were injured in a Texas Baptist church today when a lone gunman walked in and began firing his assault rifle. The assailant—a convicted domestic abuser who shouldn’t have been allowed to obtain a militarized weapon—killed himself after a brief chase. Donald Trump responded as normal. “Mental health is your problem here,” Trump told reporters. “This isn’t a guns situation.” In any case, rest assured that Trump will do nothing about gun violence. (Unless the assailant is brown, of course.) AND FINALLY... Since we cannot bear to depart on such a depressing note, here’s the best news headline of the week: “Harry Styles Tripped on a Kiwi a Fan Threw Onstage During ‘Kiwi’.” Squealing fans of the former One Direction crooner have taken to throwing actual kiwis during performances of Styles’ song, and during a recent gig, he slipped on one, nearly busting his finely sculpted ass. He took the slip in stride, kindly asking the crowd to please stop throwing kiwis. That sounds reasonable enough. Ladies, let’s promise to stop throwing kiwis if white men will agree to stop sexual harassment, trying to curtail our reproductive rights, ruining the environment, and murdering large groups of people with guns. Gotta admit, that’s a pretty fair trade.