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Pet Issue 2017

An Excerpt from Fetch: How A Bad Dog Brought Me Home

Best Practices for Small Pig Adoption

When Cats ATTACK!

Cat Party!

It’s said that people often look like their pets. And this is especially true of the Trump administration, who not only look like their pets, but resemble them down to their deepest, darkest souls. Check it out!


Sean Gallup / monicadoallo / getty images

Donald Trump and His Skinny Pig,
Donald Junior

It’s not a well-known fact, but President Donald Trump has a pet skinny pig—“Donald Junior,” a mostly hairless, genetically mutated guinea pig. Donald Junior strongly feels like he is the BEST of all guinea pig breeds and is paranoid that other pets (especially those belonging to reporters and other White House staff) are out to get him. He is best friends with Vladimir Putin’s pet scorpion, Karen. Fun fact: Trump also has a son named Donald Junior.


pool / photomaru / getty images

Jared Kushner and His Pet Goat,
Baaaalthalzar

Look into the dead, soulless eyes of Kushner, and you’ll see why he and Baaaalthazar the Goat are perfect for each other, and... waitasecond. Just three months ago, Kushner had a white goat. And before that, a brown goat. It’s almost like he’s been sacrificing them on a regular basis to some sort of pagan god in exchange for power on a national scale. Huh. Anyway, goats are cool.


MarioTama / Freder / Getty images

Steve Bannon and His Pet Tapir,
Tommy I Hate Jews

A tapir certainly is an unusual pet—but most tapirs aren’t like Tommy I Hate Jews! Tapirs are normally peaceful herbivores, but Tommy I Hate Jews is insane. He hates anything that isn’t a tapir with white-hot intensity, and feels like the way the tapir community conducts itself is completely backward, and that to save the tapir race, the entire tapir system must be dismantled and rebuilt. On chilly nights, he and Steve Bannon like to cuddle.


Mitch McConnell and His Pet Tortoise,
Doppelgänger

I’m not sure calling Doppelgänger “a pet” is entirely accurate. When Mitch McConnell doesn’t feel like showing up to work, he’ll send Doppelgänger in his place. McConnell was going to have scientists design a perfect robot replica of himself, but they couldn’t get it quite right. So he said, “Fuck it. Why should I pay for a robot when I look EXACTLY like this fucking tortoise?” Now that you mention it, maybe there isn’t really a “Mitch McConnell” at all. Maybe the Senate majority leader is just this fucking tortoise. Something to think about!

Ivanka Trump and Her Pet Cat,
Keres the Daimone

BOW, YOU PITIFUL FOOLS! BOW BEFORE THE DAIMONE KNOWN AS KERES! ONE QUICK GLANCE INTO THE BLACK LAKES OF MY EYES WILL YIELD AN UNIMAGINABLY VIOLENT, CRUEL DEATH. I CRAVE THE BLOOD OF THE WEAK AND FEAST UPON THE SOULS OF THE DEAD. I BREATHE DISEASE INTO YOUR FRAIL BODIES AND CACKLE WITH LAUGHTER AS YOUR SCREAMS BEG FOR RELEASE. AS YOU DRAW YOUR LAST RAGGED BREATHS, I SHALL RAVAGE YOUR BONES AND DRAG WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR TATTERED, HELPLESS SOULS INTO THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL. But first, I’m gonna pop over to Starby’s for a grande green tea latte with 25 Equals. Ciao!
Alex Wong / Gennaro Leonardi / EyeEm / Getty Images

Jeff Sessions and His Pet,
Plate of Decapitated Fish Heads

When the attorney general isn’t trying to explain away suspicious meetings with Russian ambassadors, he’s having lots of fun playing with his pet plate of decapitated fish heads. He takes them to the park, on vacation, and even sleeps with them. He really seems to dote on these... wait. This just in: According to anonymous senior White House officials, that plate of fish heads isn’t actually a pet, but a gift from Vladimir Putin, who told Sessions to carry the plate around with him at all times as a constant reminder of what will happen if he ever crosses the Russian government. Still pretty cute though!


Chip Somodevilla / Fernando Trabanco Fotografía / Getty Images

Paul Ryan and His Pet Dog,
Bro Dog

Being Speaker of the House of Representatives under the Trump administration is wicked tough, dude! That’s why Paul Ryan and his pet dog/human hybrid Bro Dog sometimes just need to chill, yo. How? By going big at the gym, smashing out some reps, and getting jacked. After that they slip into their Under Armour tank tops and strut around Georgetown flashing their swole broceps. Finally, after a day of serious beasting, these bruhs do what they do best: go home, crack open a keg, and spitball ways to kill Medicaid. Hit me with a fist bump, Bro Dog!


Chip Somodevilla / Fernando Trabanco Fotografía / Getty Images

Sean Spicer and his Pet Bird,
Mr. Tweeters

When an employee of the Trump administration decides to resign, he or she is given a pet upon their departure. Sean Spicer got Mr. Tweeters. (Trust me, it could’ve been much worse.)