I SPIT ON 2012's grave. I whisper sweet nothings in 2013's ear. Let us look ahead.
12 Years a Slave—Great, another incredibly depressing Steve McQueen shame movie. SPOILER: It's about slavery. Stars Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, and Benedict Cumberbatch.
Anchorman: The Legend Continues—Something tells me you're already excited about this one? Let's just pour ourselves another scotch and move on.
Carrie—Normally a horror remake wouldn't get anywhere near a "most anticipated" list... but this one has Julianne Moore... as Carrie's mom! AAAAAUUUUGHHHHH—
The Counselor—Pre-Prometheus, the idea of Ridley Scott directing an original Cormac McCarthy script sounded great! Post-Prometheus... um, neat! An original Cormac McCarthy script!
Ender's Game—Orson Scott Card's brilliant sci-fi novel from 1985 finally hits the big screen. Too bad Card has since come out as a raging homophobe. Good job ruining everything for everybody, Orson.
The Fast and the Furious 6—Look, I really like the Rock. And I like Haywire's Gina Carano even more. Whatever. Make your own goddamn list if you're so goddamn fancy.
The Grandmaster—You had me at "Wong Kar-wai" and "kung fu" in the same sentence.
Gravity and Elysium—Two big-deal sci-fi flicks: the long-delayed Gravity stars George Clooney and Sandra Bullock, and marks Alfonso Cuarón's return to the genre after the amazing Children of Men; Elysium stars Matt Damon and is Neill Blomkamp's follow-up to District 9.
The Great Gatsby—F. Scott Fitzgerald! :) Baz Luhrmann! :(
Her—Spike Jonze and Joaquin Phoenix's story about a man who falls in love with "a newly developed operating system designed to meet the user's every need." This sounds Siri-ous! I am very sorry for typing that.
I'm So Excited—Pedro Almodóvar's new comedy looks significantly less nightmare-inducing than The Skin I Live In, so that'll be nice.
Inside Llewyn Davis—The Coen brothers. Moving on.
Iron Man 3, Thor: The Dark World, and Man of Steel—Disney continues to print money from all things Avengers-related, with Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) taking over Iron Man and Alan Taylor (Game of Thrones) sequelizing Thor. Warner Bros. gamely attempts, yet again, to make anyone give a shit about Superman.
Much Ado About Nothing—After making The Avengers, Joss Whedon got a bunch of his actor buddies together at his house and made a Shakespeare movie. Okay!
Oldboy—Spike Lee and Josh Brolin remake Park Chan-wook's South Korean epic. Maybe it won't be as awful as it sounds? It probably will. (Also see Stoker, below.)
Only God Forgives—The last movie Nicolas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling made together was Drive. See you there.
Pacific Rim—Guillermo del Toro's (Pan's Labyrinth) first film in five years would be exciting enough—but the fact it looks like del Toro's biggest, craziest movie yet is a pretty great bonus.
Queen of the Desert—Finally, the Werner Herzog/Robert Pattinson team-up we've been waiting for!
Side Effects and Behind the Candelabra—Steven Soderbergh is threatening to quit movies forever, which means these—a pharmaceutical thriller and a Liberace biopic starring Michael Douglas—might be his final movies. If I hadn't already used a frowny emoticon above, I would use one right here.
Spring Breakers—Finally, the Harmony Korine/James Franco/Vanessa Hudgens/Selena Gomez team-up we've been waiting for.
Star Trek into Darkness—Probably 2013's best bet for blockbustery fun, at least if J.J. Abrams' first Star Trek is any indication.
Stoker—The new thriller from Park Chan-wook (The Vengeance Trilogy) looks suitably unsettling.
The To-Do List—A sex comedy with Aubrey Plaza and Donald Glover. This is an excellent idea.
To the Wonder—New Terrence Malick! And there's an outside chance there'll be another Malick film this year, too—Knight of Cups—but don't count on it.
Under the Skin—Jonathan Glazer (Sexy Beast, Birth) makes a movie in which Scarlett Johansson plays a man-eating alien. I'm guessing there's more to this than there was to Species.
Upstream Color—In 2004, Shane Carruth blew away Sundance with Primer, one of the smartest, creepiest, most infuriating movies ever. Now he's back with Upstream Color, which looks like it'll also fit those adjectives.
The Wolf of Wall Street—Scorsese returns to making movies for grown-ups, this time with Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew McConaughey, and Jean Dujardin. And Spike Jonze?
The World's End—Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and the final film in the trilogy that started with Shaun of the Dead and continued with Hot Fuzz. It's something... apocalyptic, maybe? Doesn't matter.