It's all good! Most people have had some experience with depression, whether they love someone who suffers from it, or have experienced it themselves. What the LW did, & what others that i have dated have done, is not a bad thing. For someone who is experiencing temporary depression, that is. All of those things can be incredibly beneficial. And if what someone is experiencing is a mild, temporary low, having someone motivate you & try to push you out of that state & into a higher one, can be really good.
i was coming from a different perspective, though. i am almost 40 yrs. old & have struggled with this for decades. i have fought hard! But, i finally have had to accept my diagnosis ~ i suffer from major, clinical depression & severe PTSD. I spent years denying that & fighting against it. Trying to force myself to do all of those wonderful things ~ & then beating myself up when i couldn't. For me, it isn't about choosing my illness over a relationship. But the truth is, even though i am in a LTR, i feel an immense amount of pressure to be healthier than i am really capable of. i am fortunate to be with someone who has had his own experiences with depression, but i still get the constant speech that i just need to "be strong & fight through it". i'm tired of fighting. i am at an age where accepting who i am is the healthiest, most empowering thing that i can do. And having other people, whether it is a partner or a family member or a friend, always telling me what i am doing wrong, just makes me feel like shit about something that i didn't ask for & certainly don't want.
That does not, however, mean that i am sitting complacently by waiting to die. i am doing the best that i can to help myself. i am in counseling & on med's. i strive to do the little things ( like yoga in the morning ) to help to build myself up. And while i know that i will never be free of this, i am learning to ride with it, not fight it. And if someone else can't allow me to be who i am, can't allow me to manage my illness in my own way & in my own time, they have no place in my life. No matter how well meaning they may be.
And the sad reality is that, i didn't do this to myself. i have a very long & painful history of physical & sexual abuse. Some truly bad shit has happened. i have been hospitalized multiple times for suicide attempts ( because, i fail!). That isn't my fault, & i don't sit around blaming anyone. But, i do try to be conscious about who i have in my life. Because i already feel bad enough for being so fucked up, i certainly don't want to put my issues on anyone else, or to deal with the guilt of hurting or letting others down.
As a funny aside ~ the most ridiculous relationship i ever had was with someone who had severe ADHD. He was bouncing off the walls, while i was virtually comatose. That one did NOT work.
Anyways, please don't blame yourself for what happened with your relationship. It doesn't sound like he "chose" his illness over you. It sounds like he realized that he couldn't get better for you. There is a difference. And it also sounds like you did the right thing, for him & for yourself, by going. ( Sorry, i don't know why i just assumed that you were a woman dating a man. No offense intended if that isn't the case ). i hope that you find healing & peace.
Too late to delete, crap. Who am I to say whether another person has a "chemical imbalance" or not? What an asshole. I apologize. Know what helped me shift into this healthier, more grounded frame of mind? Going for a run.
I was in a relationship for 5 years with someone who was depressed. Much like kalikill he told me that he was not "fixable" and that I should just accept him the way he is. I did do my absolute best to embrace this attitude and just appreciate the good times which were few and far between. However, in the end it got to the point where he was just dragging me down and I had to end it. But I noticed a key thing that we do differently (I have trouble with depression myself). What I do to swing myself out of a depressed state is to use something that I call positive momentum. Yes sometimes I have that 3 a.m. "fuck you" feeling. okay a lot of times I have it. BUT. There are times when it is not as bad. I NOTICE these times and USE them. What I do with these times varies, (yes, sometimes it is yoga), but the most important thing is that I get my ass up out of bed and off the computer and out into the world. I lived with this guy, so I noticed when his "fuck you" feeling was not there or not as bad. And without fail, every damn time, he would out of habit just do the same old thing he always does, which is to lie around the house and look at his phone/computer. I could tell that there was variation in his mood just like there is variation in mine. He just refused to use his "less depressed" states to do anything positive because it "felt weird" or "wasn't what he was used to". In the end, he actually came right out and told me that. That depression was just a part of who he was, and that he didn't WANT to change. And now, here I am dealing with a depression of my own that is much worse than anything I have ever experienced, and I am having a hell of a time swinging myself out of it. Because the person I loved most, the person who made me happiest, chose depression over me. It really sucks. Fuck you and your "chemical imbalance that causes people to be utterly broken & dysfunctional". That's how he saw it too. If you tell yourself that, all you are doing is making it part of your identity. And why in the hell would you ever want to do something as out of character as getting your ass up off the couch and into the world. So there you go. You have made your bed and you are going to lie in it. It is a choice, not one that you make in a single moment, but one that you make over and over again.
Btw~ The Mercury comment section is really empty & lame. Go check out the response to this on The Stranger. People actually talk there. Cheers.
There's two Johnsons on the team. Plenty of foreskin to go around.
"Barb receives this criticism at this volume and length because she is a woman."
Far as i needed to read. I don't need to look in a toilet to know it's completely full of shit.
Shawn Fleck, you are as full of shit as Holms is. Holms gets a lot of flack not because she is a woman, but rather for the 'quality' of her writing and the lack of depth to her observations. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe half of her blogs are not even about feminism anyway. "Fully Embraces Class Structure" ?? Pretty fucking deep in the shit here Shawn. If her blog had as many negative references to say, black gay women as she makes to straight white men, she wouldn't even have a blog in the MERC. But then again, as a comic one learns the cheap easy jokes are bodily function jokes, right? Maybe she is just taking the same approach. And while certainly "poor and uneducated" people need to understand feminism (and man do you sound condescending there), I hope for and expect a certain level of journalism in the MERC - and Holms don't cut the mustard, not with me anyway.
What is foreskin?
And just to give a little comparison here ~ imagine it's 3 o'clock in the morning, you are in a deep sleep. Your partner or friend comes & wakes you up, full of energy & wanting to have herbal tea, do yoga & go for a hike in the woods. This is how it feels when normal people try to push their well meaning, healthy plans & ideas on people who suffer from Depression. It's like " What the fuck are you talking about? Go away. i'm sleeping."
i have no idea who Rob Delaney is, but from the advice that he gave it sounds to me like he has NO fucking idea what he is talking about. Anyone who has experienced real depression ~ not being sad for a week, but the chemical imbalance that causes people to be utterly broken & dysfunctional ~ would know that not only is it not something that can be fixed by a wannabe, motivational, self help speaker, but they would also know that that is the LAST thing that someone suffering from this debilitating imbalance needs.
This guy was trying to "fix" her. He may have been well intentioned. It sounds like it was done out of care. But, this same "advice" would not have been given to someone trying to "fix" someone with schizophrenia. No one expects people with that chemical imbalance to be "fixed". This guys "advice" was reckless & it propagates the idea that people who suffer from major clinical depression are somehow just not doing the right thing to get better. If only she had followed his advice & done yoga, took walks out in nature, she would feel better. But, guess what, folks! She fucking can't even get out of bed to bathe herself. Too many people treat depression like it's just a problem with positive thinking, or motivation, or maybe we need a fucking kitten. Despite everything that is now known about this imbalance, people who suffer from this are still treated like it's something they can just "will" themselves to get over. Hence, it is somehow our fault.
The best advice that he gave was to leave. Because people with mental illness are not a project to repair ~ we are who we are & we are not "fixable". i would have said ~ Love her for who she is & encourage her to help herself. Period. This dude's "advice" is asshole & ignorant. i'm really disappointed that Dan printed this.
Anyway, you Holm skeptics are gonna eat your words after next week's column, "Don't Be a Dick, Time-Traveling Ernest Hemingway."
"Die in a fire"? So unoriginal. At least come up with something like "die in a vat of boiling calamine lotion."
ICE! CREAM! COVERED! BREASTS! LIFE! SIZED!
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