Portland Mercury

November 19, 2009 Columns » I, Anonymous

I, Anonymous

Hot Coffee

by Anonymous

Coffee shops staffed by strippers are ruining good coffee! This whole wave of boner-fueled barista shops is fucking ridiculous, sexist, and exploitive. It isn't even about the goddamn coffee anymore. It is about the hotness and the fuck-ability of the twat or twerp behind the counter. If you think for a second that you are creating an environment built on honesty and integrity, then you are lying to yourself, your employees, and your customers. You're in it to make money! You selfish fucks! Whoever is in charge of these shops, male or female, is exploiting our sexuality. You are over-stimulating the public with hard cocks and horrible caffeine. There are plenty of dudes who need a job, like me, and you are fucking us over by playing gender games. Why not open up three coffee shops, you asshole? The first one staffed by hussies, the second one staffed by your average mustached hipster douchebags, and the last one staffed by people like me, the generic and regular plain Jane and John citizen of the United States of Ugly.—Anonymous

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That writer should go open their own shop. Jeeze, what a whiner..

Posted by rach on November 18, 2009 at 5:29 PM | Report this comment

The whole point of a business is to make money, no? Not everyone wants a cup of coffee with a five page manifesto identifying its environmental/socio-economic break down.

Posted by I hate on November 18, 2009 at 5:59 PM | Report this comment

Anonymous is an idiot, "You're in it to make money!" Um... yeah... It's not like they're opening up a Bikini-Non-Profit-Orphanage or something.

Posted by Graham on November 18, 2009 at 6:21 PM | Report this comment

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday, for some tit today.

Posted by ?pqM)mH{5i*7V7wVNiH?tcvUk'j>tH\VF5!V+00HY?jgK7@iA<_(B0Mii*:@e9Iq on November 18, 2009 at 7:32 PM | Report this comment

"Um... yeah... It's not like they're opening up a Bikini-Non-Profit-Orphanage or something."

Dude, I would spend EVERY BIRTHDAY at Bikini Non Profit Orphanage. Fuck that, I'd spend every Tuesday there. Nothing goes better with naked chicks than the watery, weepy eyes of unloved bastard kids.

Posted by Earnest "Nex" Cavalli on November 19, 2009 at 10:46 AM | Report this comment