I Love Television™ 

Your Terrible Relationship

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As you may have noticed from my ads on television, I now perform "marriage and relationship counseling services" on the side. (What? You thought writing TV columns pays the bills? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA... NO.) Wait... you haven't seen my TV ads? Not sure how you missed 'em... they usually run at 3:42 am, wedged between infomercials for the Shake Weight™ and Hair Club for Men™.

Anyway, here's what happens in the commercial: Fade in on a bickering couple in their living room. She's screaming, "You don't take out the garbage, husband!" while he's yelling, "You don't administer handjobs, wife!" BOOM! I burst through the living room wall, as bricks and dust rain down from the ceiling. "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson!" I shout. "Sounds like a certain couple needs the marriage and relationship counseling services of... [suck zoom close-up of my face] Wm.™ Steven Humphrey!" The camera then pulls back to reveal the bickering couple dead on the floor—victims of the falling bricks from the ceiling. Zoom back to my face as I turn to the camera: "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Enlist the services of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, marriage and relationship counselor... before it's too late!" Cut to my number, address, and legal disclaimer that I'm unfit to practice any form of counseling.

Weirdly, my business hasn't taken off yet. HOWEVER! I'm convinced it's because my future customers haven't seen me in action! That's why I'm gonna strut my counseling stuff right here in this column by psychoanalyzing the couples in two new FX sitcoms debuting this week, starting with...

Married (FX, Thurs July 17, 10 pm). The very funny Nat Faxon and Judy Greer play married parents Russ and Lina, who freaking HATE their terrible, annoying lives in the suburbs (and their completely awful kids). Petty arguments, lack of sex, and humiliating hijinks ensue: For example, in the first episode, Russ develops an inappropriate relationship with a waxing technician.

MY DIAGNOSIS: This marriage cannot be saved. Take it from me, once something inappropriate happens with a waxing technician—there's no walking back from that. DTMFA, and DTMFWTA (dump the mother-freaking waxing technician already).

You're the Worst (FX, Thurs July 17, 10:30 pm). Jimmy and Gretchen are two young a-holes who represent the worst society has to offer: they're narcissistic, rude, self-serving boozers who couldn't hold down a relationship—until they found each other. Now they're making the world a living hell, while fighting and having super hot sex.

MY DIAGNOSIS: Jimmy and Gretchen remind me of my relationship with Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #2, which can best be described as a volcano science project filled with actual hot lava and an atom bomb. We fought, boozed, had sex, stole police cars, and had drunken sex in stolen police cars—but frankly, we bored each other to tears. So we broke up. Therefore I'd advise these two dickhead lovebirds to be even MORE grotesquely obnoxious to avert certain boredom—otherwise? Go ahead and split up. (Aaaand... start having hot sex with me! I'M SO GOOD AT THIS COUNSELING STUFF!!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16

9:00 CBS EXTANT

Molly learns more about her mysterious pregnancy (i.e., the demon alien baby inside her belly AAAAAHHHH!!).

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

The detectives are baffled by a bizarre murder (as if there are any other kind on this show).

THURSDAY, JULY 17

9:00 VH1 DATING NAKED

Debut! A naked man and woman date different naked suitors in this reality show that's truly run out of ideas.

10:00 USA SATISFACTION

Debut! A bored couple makes shocking, terrible choices to save their marriage. (I was their counselor!)

FRIDAY, JULY 18

10:00 NBC CROSSBONES

Lowe wants to kidnap Blackbeard, but is afraid the repeated "Arrrghhs" will drive him crazy.

SATURDAY, JULY 19

9:00 SYFY BATTLE OF THE DAMNED—Movie

(2014) A commando uses an army of robots to battle a horde of zombies. I got five bucks on the robots!

10:00 BBCA ALMOST ROYAL

Foppish Georgie and posh Poppy visit Washington, DC, and run into (surprise!) ineffectual congressmen and gun nuts.

SUNDAY, JULY 20

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Virginia is torn between sex-researching Masters and cancer-researching DePaul.

10:00 FX THE STRAIN

Four survivors begin to exhibit strange symptoms that may or may not include blood sucking.

MONDAY, JULY 21

10:00 CBS UNDER THE DOME

Let's check in to see if those guys are still under the dome. Wait! They're not! ...oh. Yes, they are.

TUESDAY, JULY 22

8:00 NBC FOOD FIGHTERS

Debut! Amateur chefs go up against pros in this new contest that doesn't involve any food throwing.

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

Don't miss this hilarious (and subversively smart) show about drunken people retelling historical events!

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