Universally recognized as the sexiest of monsters, vampires are known for their ability to send even the most chaste of virgins into an underwear-dampening frenzy. Way back in 1979, director Philip Marshak was probably ruminating on this very fact when he proclaimed, "Hey! This Dracula story would make a really great porno!"

And what a porno it turned out to be. Though today's adult movies only contain the skimpiest of budgets and storylines, Marshak was obviously intent on turning Dracula Sucks into his porno magnum opus. Set sometime between 1920 and 1940 (there's some confusion here, because while the music and costumes are from the '20s, Adolf Hitler also makes an appearance), the action takes place in a not-so-sanitary sanitarium. However, the patients are being lovingly treated with what was apparently a common psychiatric therapy of the time: cunnilingus and penetration while wearing high heels. Suddenly, and with little reason, Dracula appears. Then, following traditions passed down through the ages, he hypnotizes one of the residents, bites her on the tit, and shoots his wad on her chest. Naturally this horrifies the doctors and residents--even those who are doing it doggie-style on the sanitarium pool table.

Ah, but what Dracula really wants is the virginal Mina (played with decidedly unvirgin-like qualities by Annette Haven). She is sworn to love her fiancé Jonathan (who shows his devotion by banging one of the nurses in a waiting taxi). Will Mina find the intestinal fortitude to deny Dracula's advances? Or will she succumb to the dark master's evil wish to bite her on the tit, and shoot his wad on her chest?

As with most pornos, the sex scenes are the most boring parts of Dracula Sucks. However, this fact is easily overlooked thanks to the ingeniously horrid soundtrack, the hilarious throwaway jokes, and the always-impressive schlong of John Holmes. In fact, this movie accomplishes what every director dreams of: creating a work of art that makes the audience laugh, cover their eyes in fear, and cringe after realizing the "bite marks" on that actor's penis look a little too much like herpes sores.