MONDAY, JUNE 12 Welcome to One Day at a Time, where the waggiest tongues of Hollyweird come together to... wait. Sniff. Sniff. Do you smell something? We're pretty sure that's the distinct odor of... celebrity poopy! Preggo popstress Britney Spears may not be "a bad mom" per se (see Thursday's entry for details), but every mom should follow certain rules of public decorum... such as don't change your baby's dirty diaper in Victoria's Secret! According to reports, Britney was in the upscale-y lingerie store purchasing some new pink g-strings (!!) (And while we're at it... eww!), when the former goddess smelled something fecal emanating from baby Sean Preston's nappies. But rather than hustle him out of the store or to the nearest powder room, Britney plopped the tyke right on the floor next to the cash register, and... oh. Let's just let the poor sales clerk relate the story. "We don't have the cleanest floors," she said. "[Britney] just put him down and changed his diaper and then handed it to a sales clerk saying, 'Can you throw this away for us?'" Ummm... NO. Let's ask YOU a question, Britney. If Paris Hilton tried to hand you a bag of doggy Tinkerbell's poopy, would you be psyched to take it? (That's a rhetorical question—we all know Tinkerbell was sent to the chop suey factory.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 13 Speaking of handing off bags of shit, pop matriarch Madonna has given Britney Spears the old heave-ho after the younger star stopped studying Kabbalah. Reportedly, Miss Mad had taken Britta under her aging wing, spending a lot of time, money, and energy trying to educate her on the offshoot of Judaism. However, Britney pooh-poohed the practice, claiming that her new religion was changing the nasty nappies of baby Sean Preston. So Madonna was all like, "Screw her and her dirty-ass baby," and went off in search of greener pastures. And whose pastures are greener than Hollywood party gal Lindsay Lohan? In Touch reports that Madonna has started dishing out advice and religious tips to the Mean Girls starlet. And let us tell you, Kabbalah membership has its privileges. Not only do you get the darling little red string bracelet, but according to an insider, "Madonna's giving Lindsay advice on her music career, and she wants to work on a film with Madonna, too!" The gabby pal goes on to say that the two chitty-chat at least a couple times a week, and are planning a "spiritual journey to the Holy Land." Kaaaaa-BOINNGG! After that trip, we know of one Holy Land that's gonna need a long hot shower.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14 While war is generally frowned upon, President Bush was practically chipper today in his address on the continuing war in Iraq. Citing the killing of top al-Qaida baddie Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, and supposed newly gathered intelligence, Bush claimed we are making steady progress in bringing about a new, self-governing Iraq. Then he insulted a blind guy. While taking questions, Bush scolded a reporter for wearing sunglasses while speaking to him. "Are you going to ask that question with shades on?" the prez asked Los Angeles Times reporter Peter Wallsten. "I'm interested in the shade look. Seriously. For the viewers, there's no sun." As it turns out, Wallsten wasn't going for the Miami Vice look—he's legally blind. Though Bush's remark elicited groans on a national scale, Wallsten took the high road. "There's no reason for him to know," Wallsten said. "[His remark] didn't surprise or offend me at all." Umm... hello? The president looked like an idiot. What are ya? BLIND??
THURSDAY, JUNE 15 Oh, sweet, sweet television. You have given us so many things, but nothing compares to the sight of NBC's Matt Lauer cruelly wringing the tears out of "bad mom" Britney Spears' puffy eyes. Tonight on Dateline, the Britta continued her national "I'm No Monster" tour, expressing her hopes and desires to a sockless Matt Lauer. (Was he going for the hillbilly look to make her feel more comfortable?) Of the many topics that were broached, Britney commented on the state of her marriage ("Awesome!"), of driving with baby Sean Preston on her lap ("I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and drive. We're country."), and the reason she's inexplicably in love with Kevin Federline ("He's so simple."). FINALLY, BRITNEY SAYS SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE. Personally, we've never been able to fathom what Brit sees in that skanky philanderer, but it all goes back to class politics. If she had wed Justin Timberlake, let's say, she would have married far above her station in life, and spent the rest of her days in insecure misery. But Britney smartly chose the "simple" route, and married someone far less intelligent—and some would say, borderline retarded. Bravo, Brit! That's using your bean.
FRIDAY, JUNE 16 Musicians' tour busses have long been associated with decadence, self-destruction, and bodily fluids. Also, vehicular manslaughter. According to our sources, thousands of people are killed every year by celebrity tour busses. It's just covered up. There's a whole government body that works full-time, pressure-hosing highways and tapping out bumper damage. (We imagine Oompa Loompas.) Sadly, they were at some sort of conference today when square-headed bluegrass performer Ricky Skaggs ran over a man with his bus in Tennessee. Because word got out. The bus was cruising down to the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival when a young man from Ohio stepped onto the highway and was run down. (Reason #243 why people from Ohio shouldn't go to Tennessee.) But as it is in our national security to protect celebrity tour busses from prosecution, the Tennessee Department of Safety immediately cleared the tour bus driver of any wrongdoing. The irony? The young Ohioan was wearing a Bonnaroo admission armband when he was killed. He had apparently hopped the fence to escape the festival. He'd obviously come to his senses, rejected the jam bands/hippies, and was trying to run away. And they ran him down like a dog.
SATURDAY, JUNE 17 Early this week the gossip rags reported that Brit was investigating the possibility of having her second baby in Namibia. We didn't believe it. Brit, investigating? It wouldn't happen. In fact, we would bet you our entire Mercury 401k that Brit couldn't find Namibia on a map. Like not even the right continent. But it was reported. Apparently the deputy environment and tourism minister of Namibia made the joyful announcement after receiving a telephone call from the States. But the connection was so static-y that he didn't get a name or contact info. He just put two and two together, and assumed the mumbling celeb rep was calling on behalf of the mopey pop princess, who later denied ever making the call. Which begs the question, who WAS calling? Matt Lauer, haven't you done enough? Your pranks must stop. Stalker.
SUNDAY, JUNE 18 A nice little story illustrating the properties of Darwinism: About six years ago, Florida Governor Jeb Bush repealed his state's mandatory helmet law. A recent look-see at federal motorcycle crash statistics showed that "unhelmeted" deaths in Florida rose from 22 deaths in 1998 and 1999, the years before the helmet law repeal, to a mere 250 deaths in 2004. After a crack team of Mercury statisticians analyzed the data, they've come upon a startling discovery: Between the skin cancer and head trauma, global warming flood surge and shark attacks, there will be no Florida by fall. Floridians are so hell-bent on extinction that, even as the brain injuries rise, motorcycle registrations have increased 87 percent. It's clearly a desperate cry for help. If only Kevorkian were still working, we might be able to help put them out of their misery. Oh well. Nature will do God's work soon enough.