I &hearts TV 

So DIE, Already!

Remember last week when I was going on and on about how I hate nerds, and nerds who dress up like superheroes? (YOU DIDN'T READ THAT ONE? Thanks for making me feel like crap!) Well, anyway... I WAS. And since there was such a poor turnout for my last column, I see nothing wrong with revisiting the same boring topic this week. So there... NYAHH!

POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT! Who is the most nerdiest superhero there ever was? Yes, AQUAMAN. Now, regular readers of this column (unlike YOU) already know I despise this waterlogged fish stick because of the following reasons: (1) He's a drip. LITERALLY. (2) He has no real powers other than swimming fast and ordering schools of tuna to do his dirty work. And, (3) while 71 percent of the Earth is covered in water, 99.999999 percent of all crime is committed on land! DO YOU GET WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS??

Okay, so game, set, match—I won that argument. Here's my point: Everyone should hate Aquaman as much as I do. And yet? He's on the tip of everyone's tongue, lately! Not only was this blond-haired octo-pussy featured in a fake movie for the hit HBO show Entourage (Sun, 10 pm), he was very nearly given his own show on the WB. In fact, a pilot episode was given the green light—until the WB and rival network UPN decided to merge, and thanks to scheduling difficulties, Aquaman was canned. Truly a cause for celebration, am I right? I AM WRONG!!

Thanks to the goddamn internet, canceled shows have been given a new life on sites such as YouTube.com (where anyone can upload and watch videos for free) and iTunes (which features a host of downloadable shows for $1.99 each). Take, for example, the canceled pilot Nobody's Watching, about two friends who are hired to write and produce a sitcom... while living on a sitcom set in front of a live TV audience. This parody of reality shows and television comedies was mysteriously given the boot, even after generating a healthy amount of buzz. But instead of croaking like every other canceled series in the world, the pilot has been going nutso on YouTube, generating over 400,000 views—and THAT got the attention of NBC, who promptly put the failed (and actually, very funny) show back into production.

And while Nobody's Watching definitely deserves a second look, the dreaded Aquaman pilot has, unfortunately, also washed back up on shore. Last week, when iTunes made the failed pilot available for downloading, Aquaman shot to the top of the best-seller list! Which leads me to ask: IS THERE NO GOD?!?

Fine, I understand that the pilot costars Ving Rhames, who is an awesome actor. And FINE, I understand that the guy playing Aquaman (soap star Justin Hartley) is wicked hot. BUT IT'S AQUAMAN, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!! And nobody is supposed to like this overrated blowhole! Therefore, I command you to do the following: Dial up iTunes on your computer, and demand that they pay YOU $1.99 to watch it! (And I telepathically command all my fish friends to do the same!)

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