How to Get Shit Done in Portland the Sam Adams Way:
1. Utilize the police force to brutalize anyone who dares to feed the homeless too conspicuously (when they're all gathered in one place, it's too obvious how many of them of there are, plus they smell icky) and assemble in public spaces. This has nothing to do with anyone criticizing your administration, of course.
2. Unequivocally and unapologetically defend the police whenever they shoot young Black people for daring to hold cell phones, or mentally ill people for daring to act like they have mental illnesses.
3. When scandal threatens, bribe anyone who has pertinent information and could expose you by offering them cushy jobs with no real responsibilities for which they aren't particularly qualified.
4. Also, bribe the adolescents you fuck not to talk about fucking you.
5. Lie your ass off at any available opportunity when all else fails, then act really sorry about things that might have happened, maybe, but you can't be sure.
6. Serve the interests of the Portland Police, Portland Business Alliance, and Metro first. Once that's taken care of, the people ... well let's face it, they can go fuck themselves, you have all the powerful folk on your side, so you don't need those freeloading plebeian scum anyway.
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