The Top 20 Articles, sort of, to run in your Weekly Shopper, masquerading as a newspaper (for idiots).
1. Wait. We had a thought about something? Where’s my phone?!, assholes.
2. Let’s write shit about celebutards ‘cause it makes us laugh real hard.
3. Hey, this band is cool, so, check ‘em out, ‘cause we know stuff.
4. Hey, this event sounds fabulous, and they bought some ad space, so go and give them your money.
5. We will make fun of stoopid, fawking hippies now.
6. Hey, we like this shit ‘cause we got paid by (advertisers, clubs, promoters, record labels, Healthy Kids Campaign, etc) to say so.
7. My asshole likes food. Does yours?
8. Hey, look, it’s on the Tee-Vee.
9. I read a book once. Did you?
10. We got comped at this restaurant, and their food soaks up the booze good after we got done binging for the night, so spend your dough here (and they bought an ad!).
11. I am Steven Humpy, and I have been mining the hopelessly retarded Caveman Chic vein for twenty years and two newspapers…I think, if I can still count that high. So, worship me, fools!
12. Booze is the only answer. Now, what was the question?
13. We think sometimes. You should too. We think.
14. Is this fashionable, or does it just look good on account of the ad revenue?
15. Our accountant thinks we’re funny. You should too.
16. We spent all our Healthy Kids Campaign money on beer, shoes, and fixing our shitty cars. Now we feel sick. Wait, let’s go beat up some hippies some more—just with our words, man.
17. Doe this sentence make me look fat?
18. I’ve got a new thought. Now what?
19. My mangina itches from a bad case of coolmedia. God, I am awesome. Scratch. Sniff. Wow!
20. We ran a bunch of letters. Some we made up ‘cause we’re geniuses. And it filled a few pages-worth. So there!
Yet another reason why I don't read the Merc, and haven't for about five years...the piece isn't funny, isn't clever, and certainly doesn't inform. Is it satire, comedic, editorial, rant?...Who knows. Could we get any more dumbed down? God, I fucking hope not...
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