If you are going to make a meager living off of being clever I believe it would behoove you to at least add rhythm to your slightly overly ambiguous rambling. It has all of the potential to reach two sides of an issue yet you have none of the revisions in place to make it successful or to allow it to enrich its readers. Revisions are your most powerful tool. Try to be one step ahead of the comments and enlighten your own work with balance and true cleverness. Not just the instantaneous kind that can flow in the right moment of explosive consciousness diarrhea.
In short...this is lazy. Even in your own eyes. You have a chance here to speak to eager ears on a compelling social cancer and a moment to offer solutions yet you squander it with a lack of self pride. Your words stink of the fears of an insecure pacifistic experiencing premature enlightenment. Make us, your tender readers, proud and start expecting more of yourself. We all know you can write well and you can keep us strung along in a standard essay/journalist/critique format. But taking on this quasi-poetic style here comes with the greater challenge of figuring out where you have put the readers mind during each line. It is great to be non-linear but you lose us to the point that we see no point in returning to whatever you were trying to teach us here. Would gladly welcome a revision. I know you can wow us. Cheers.
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