Portland Mercury: Columns

One Day at a Time

news@portlandmercury.com (Ann Romano) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Looks like Carrie's been stirring the honey pot! (EW!) by Ann Romano MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Dethroned Miss California USA Carrie Prejean—whose homophobic remarks about same-sex marriage have made her a conservative darling—has two things going for her this week: (1) A brand-new book verbosely entitled Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks, and (2) A brand-new sex tape that should be titled, Still on My Back: A Videotape of Me Masturbating for an Ex-Boyfriend Who I Mistakenly Thought Loved Me. Carrie visited the friendly confines…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Savage Love

news@portlandmercury.com (Dan Savage) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Full Disclosure by Dan Savage I am a happily married, happily nonmonogamous male. We are not wild swinger types. For us it's more about the fact that monogamy does not work than about nailing everything that walks by. Anyway, I have encountered an odd situation a few times now, and again last night, where I'll be flirting with a potential fling and she knows I'm married and she's very interested. But when she finds out my marriage is nonmonogamous, she suddenly backs out. Case in…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

SOLD OUT

news@portlandmercury.com (Marjorie Skinner) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Independent apparel comes downtown for the holidays with the PDX Pop-Up Shop project. by Marjorie Skinner The landlords wanted to breathe life into the retail properties standing sad and empty downtown. The designers wanted a chance to compete for holiday shopping dollars. The city wanted to see rejuvenation along SW Morrison and Yamhill. Thus the holiday PDX Pop-Up Shop project was made a reality. Two stores, Flurry (401 SW Morrison, in the former Shoe Pavilion) and Workroom 719 (in the former See's Candies at 719 SW Morrison) opened their doors on the evening of Thursday, November…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

New Column!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Willamette Week Publisher Report [image-1]]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I, Anonymous

news@portlandmercury.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Hot Coffee by Anonymous Coffee shops staffed by strippers are ruining good coffee! This whole wave of boner-fueled barista shops is fucking ridiculous, sexist, and exploitive. It isn't even about the goddamn coffee anymore. It is about the hotness and the fuck-ability of the twat or twerp behind the counter. If you think for a second that you are creating an environment built on honesty and integrity, then you are lying to yourself, your employees, and your customers. You're in it to make money!…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I Love Television™

news@portlandmercury.com (Wm.� Steven Humphrey) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Humpy's TV Thanksgiving guest list. by Wm.� Steven Humphrey So I'm eating Thanksgiving dinner alone this year, and the reason why is unimportant. Okay, it may have something to do with being disinvited from my family's annual celebration because I may have gotten super wasted at last year's shindig, showed up with a "marijuana pecan pie," dumped a boiling gravy boat onto Uncle Woody's lap, and got caught by my four-year-old niece in the hall closet petting the genitals of my first cousin. I don't know... something like that...…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Letters to the Editor

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Oh, snap. CROWNING JOY DEAR MERCURY—Thank you for the picture of Brokencyde [Up & Coming, Nov 12]. I was having a hard time crowning while I was on the toilet and it really helped me out. -Jason Lopez DOUBLE DIP DEAR ANN ROMANO—YOU, my dear, are the dipshit [One Day at a Time, Nov 12]. Have you READ the new health care bill? NOOOO of course not, you know why? Because it's 2,000 FUCKING PAGES LONG. Simply going along with something because…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

My, What A Busy Week!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

You say "busy," we say "how high?" THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19 With over 30 wildly costumed members (including fire-breathers and stilt-walkers), MarchFourth Marching Band is Portland's response to your everyday brass band. They're doing two shows tonight (one all ages), and proceeds from their new release, Rise Up, will benefit Sweet Home New Orleans, which supports the cultural and musical traditions of the Big Easy. RN Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 6:30 pm (all ages) & 10 pm (21+), $13-15 For their weirdly titled dance project ExpecTUtion, KO&Co performs…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

My, What A Busy Week!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

All the busy that's fit to print. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12 Immortal Technique is not messing around. While other emcees have chests full of spent bullets, none can step to the utter seriousness of this Harlem rapper, who drops ferocious political rhymes onstage while decked out in camouflage. With closed fists and an open mind, a Technique performance will feel like a hiphop show, but it'll school you like a Howard Zinn lecture. EAC w/Diabolic, Poison Pen, Swave Sevah, Chino XL, Mic Crenshaw; Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell,…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

One Day at a Time

news@portlandmercury.com (Ann Romano) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Where Levi Johnston gets his good weed. by Ann Romano MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Panic, you guys! The upcoming Elton John and Billy Joel concert, which was to have taken place at Portland's Rose Garden Arena, has been postponed indefinitely—no thanks to E. coli! (Looks like Mom's getting a Walgreen's Snuggie for Christmas instead.) Though he is reportedly "absolutely fine" (?), Sir Elton was sent to a London hospital to be treated for "E. coli bacterial infection and influenza" causing both the Seattle and Portland dates to be temporarily cancelled. Yes,…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Savage Love

news@portlandmercury.com (Dan Savage) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

The Dominant Effect by Dan Savage I AM A 30-YEAR-OLD woman, married for five years to a man eight years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed of myself because it seems, well, pretty perverse and disturbed. My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively dominant personality, but I'm a bit submissive around him in order to keep the peace, as…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

New Column!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Enter our "Worst Thanksgiving Ever" Essay Contest...Win $200! [image-1]]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I, Anonymous

news@portlandmercury.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Bubonic Baby by Anonymous The MAX train was crowded, people were packed pretty tight. And with all of us here together, riding the public transit system, you somehow come to the conclusion that CHANGING YOUR CHILD'S DIAPER ON A SEAT OF THE TRAIN is a socially accepted practice. Who told you that's okay to do? Are you wearing blinders or do you truly not see the masses of people forced to bear witness to your kid's monster dump? Why do you have children? I didn't…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Blaze of Our Lives

news@portlandmercury.com (Ezra Ace Caraeff) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

For some reason the Mercury thought a reoccurring Blazers column would be a good idea. by Ezra Ace Caraeff First there was the panic. When the Portland Trail Blazers' two-win, three-loss opening to the 2009-2010 season mirrored a similar pattern repeated eight of the past nine years, a shrill call for something to be done resonated throughout town. Newcomer Andre Miller was not working. Greg Oden resembled a lumbering dinosaur slowly descending into a tar pit. Rudy Fernández lost both his shot and his disheveled good looks. Hands were wrung, talk radio callers bemoaned, and rumor has it that…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I Love Television™

news@portlandmercury.com (Wm.� Steven Humphrey) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

What we know about hippies. by Wm.� Steven Humphrey HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW about hippies: (1) They have long hair and a disturbing aversion to soap. (2) They believe in "free love," which would be awesome if they also believed in soap. (3) They dress like circus clowns, yet rarely do or say anything that is intentionally funny. (4) They have names like "Rainbow" or "Starshine" or "Sea Skye" or "Wolfe Glare" (AKA "Beat Me Senseless"). (5) They are extremely easy to defeat in almost any known competition—except maybe…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Letters to the Editor

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

In which we all explain ourselves. ENOUGH WITH THE "CREATIVITY" DEAR MERCURY—Please never, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do the Internet Edition again [Annual Halloween Dress-Up Issue, Oct 29]. I spend enough time staring at a computer screen during the day, the last thing I want to see when reading a NEWSPAPER is to have it be in the format of web browers. Such a terrible idea... BOOOOO! NEVER AGAIN! -Darren Linder LOCAL FILM IN FOCUS MERC—I wanted to make a suggestion about your coverage of local films/film…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

One Day at a Time

news@portlandmercury.com (Ann Romano) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Jon Gosselin + Octomom = EWW! by Ann Romano MONDAY, OCTOBER 26 In an event that shook the already mentally unstable Scientology community to its core, a former high-level Hollyweird celeb has resigned from the church. Director/writer Paul Haggis (Crash, Million Dollar Baby) wrote an extremely huffy letter to Scientology mouthpiece Tommy Davis, chastising him and the church for refusing to condemn the Church of Scientology in San Diego for publicly supporting Proposition 8—California's anti-same sex marriage legislation. "The church's refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites,…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Savage Love

news@portlandmercury.com (Dan Savage) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Taking the Lead by Dan Savage I'm a 20-year-old girl, and I've been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he's happy to be with a girl who likes girls. The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

SOLD OUT

news@portlandmercury.com (Marjorie Skinner) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

What the week has in store. by Marjorie Skinner It's all over the news that the recession is backing off, but what's being trumpeted doesn't lessen the reality that the tough times are far from over. Within the bubble of Portland retail, Olio United—a store that not long ago seemed poised to thrive—went from four walls and a roof to a briefly online-only enterprise to nothing at all. Meanwhile, even the historically thrifty craft scene is whimpering, with the recent announcement that the monthly Crafty Wonderland event is scaling…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

New Column!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Cougin' Out with Gloria Trout [image-1]]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I, Anonymous

news@portlandmercury.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Drop the Cholula by Anonymous I know that stealing a bottle of Cholula hot sauce from a local burrito restaurant isn't the end of the world, but it is dishonest. I had no intention of stealing until I noticed a fresh, unused bottle of Cholula at the condiments bar. I thought about how it would complement the burrito I was taking back to work. I waited until I felt the coast was clear, and put it in my jacket pocket. Later at work I idiotically…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I Love Television™

news@portlandmercury.com (Wm.� Steven Humphrey) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Five Things I've Learned from Mad Men by Wm.� Steven Humphrey SPOILER ALERT!!! As you may have noticed, today's column is entitled "Five Things I've Learned from Mad Men," which obviously means I'll be discussing pertinent plot points related to this and past seasons of this wonderful show. "But Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry. "I'm only three episodes in to the second season DVD of Mad Men—so could you please postpone this particular column until... say... July 27, 2010?" NO, I'M NOT "POSTPONING" THIS COLUMN!! And BTW, I'm FED…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Letters to the Editor

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Back to life, back to reality. NO, YOU DO IT, SONORA DEAR MERCURY—I could not have been more disappointed and bored with HUMP! [amateur porn festival]. Violence toward women: check. "Money shots": check. Boring-ass sex scenes (even though they were gay they were still boring): check. Phallocentric EVERYTHING (except for one film at the end?): check. I keep waiting for Portland to step up and make some gynocentric (even gyno-equal), outrageously fun smut for people who would like something outside the normal "insert dick into hole"…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

My, What A Busy Week!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

This week isn't going to busy itself, you know. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Lydia Davis is a formal innovator and a thematic provocateur who's written several acclaimed books of stories and contributed a volume to the ongoing re-translation of Proust's In Search of Lost Time. Her lecture tonight is a chance to hear one of the finest short story authors writing in America today. Don't miss it. AH Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 7:30 pm, $30 Today kicks off the Siren Nation Festival, an annual affair honoring women—particularly…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

One Day at a Time

news@portlandmercury.com (Ann Romano) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Miss California Organization to Carrie Prejean: We want our boobs back! by Ann Romano MONDAY, OCTOBER 19 As you undoubtedly recall, former beauty queen/ugly homophobe Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California Organization for unfair dismissal. According to Prejean, she was fired for espousing her despicable beliefs, and she's also peeved that the Miss California group let the cat out of the bag about her pre-pageant boob job (which they were kind enough to pay for, btw). Not to be outdone by a blonde hate-speaking hillbilly, the organization is now counter-suing Prejean, accusing her…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]