Portland Mercury: Feature

WELCOME TO THE APOCALYPSE!

news@portlandmercury.com (Erik Henriksen) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

The single most important story you will read in your entire life! (Which isn't going to last much longer, by the way.) by Erik Henriksen This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper. —T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" (1925) Guess what, guys? It's time to embrace the horror! Look! We've got front-row tickets to the end of the earth!—Rockhound (Steve Buscemi), Armageddon (1998) THE WORLD IS GOING TO END, and there's jack shit you can do about it, chief. Granted, some of us—by which I…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Side-Dish Domination

news@portlandmercury.com (Patrick Alan Coleman) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Thanksgiving dinner is an unspoken competition. Local chefs give you the recipe for domination. by Patrick Alan Coleman There's a moment before Thanksgiving when many a dinner invitee will ask the fateful question: "So, uh, do you need me to bring anything?" If they're lucky they'll be asked to bring wine, rolls, or a pie; all easily procured or prepared. However, woe unto the Thanksgiving guest who's told, "Um, I don't know. Bring a side dish or whatever." Damn! The problem? Guests will not question the quality of the host's turkey. If it's cooked through, it will be…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Going All the Way

news@portlandmercury.com (Sean Breslin) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Two reporters ride Portland's most used bus lines from start to finish. The horror! The horror! by Sean Breslin THE FIRST PLACE I saw a stranger's scrotum was on the #72 bus, heading south down 82nd Avenue. It was the middle of the summer. I was 13. He was a large man in tiny shorts. There it was, slipping out of the leg hole and resting like old pudding on the plastic seat. As I learned at a young age, TriMet buses serve a cross-section of the populace. Though Portland is applauded for its groundbreaking light rail system and…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The Secrets Behind the Secret List

news@portlandmercury.com (Matt Davis) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

City finally grants press access to names on "secret list." by Matt Davis "I WENT BECAUSE I WAS TIRED, and I was hurting. I guess that's the difference. I was done," says Vance. Vance is just one of many names on Portland's "secret list." In short, it's a list of frequent arrestees kept by downtown police, targeted for priority drug treatment. If anyone on this list is busted for regular drug possession in certain areas of Portland—say, if they're carrying a crack pipe in Old Town—it's no longer a misdemeanor. Instead, they are…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Real Estate of Horror!

news@portlandmercury.com (Dave Bow) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

A blood-chilling review of Portland's most horrifyingly haunted houses! by Dave Bow I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD and trick or treating when a werewolf jumped out of a leaf pile and made me cry. The werewolf later apologized—but the damage was done. This repentant lycanthrope is the closest I dared come to a Portland haunted house... that is, until now. This year things were going to be different, I told myself. I would explore every haunted house I could and finally experience the blood-curdling horror I'd been missing. FRIGHTOWN My first stop…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The Mercury's Annual Halloween Dress-Up Issue: Can You Guess Our Costume?

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

We're the internet. Can't you tell? God. Click to Enlarge [image-1] Click to Enlarge [image-2] Click to Enlarge [image-3] Click to Enlarge [image-4] Click to Enlarge [image-5] Click to Enlarge [image-6] Click to Enlarge [image-7] Click to Enlarge [image-8] Click to Enlarge [image-9] Click to Enlarge [image-10] Click to Enlarge [image-11] Click to Enlarge [image-12]…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Dan Savage's Guide to HUMP!

news@portlandmercury.com (Dan Savage) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Dan Savage gives you filthy sneak preview of the films in this weekend's HUMP! amateur porn fest! by Dan Savage HUMP! is coming to Portland! For the past five years Seattle has had HUMP!—the Northwest's sexiest amateur and locally produced porn festival—all to itself. Now Portland gets to horn in on the fun! Here's how HUMP! works: Every year we invite local filmmakers from all over the Northwest to make five-minute-long homemade porn movies. The filmmakers choose the actors and write the scripts. There's a "no kids, no animals, no poop" rule, but beyond that the films can be just…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Embarrassment of Riches

news@portlandmercury.com (Ezra Ace Caraeff) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

The bright future of the Portland Trail Blazers. by Ezra Ace Caraeff WHERE THEY LEFT OFF Following a surprising season (54 wins!) and a disappointing postseason (getting Yao'd upon by the Houston Rockets), the Portland Trail Blazers entered the off-season in the glorious position of having a bevy of youthful talent perched atop a large pile of expendable cash. But parting with all that money—in an effort to improve the team and dethrone the Lakers as the top team on the left coast—proved to be a difficult endeavor. The Blazers were unable…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Get a Room

news@portlandmercury.com (Marjorie Skinner) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

The first-ever Content event fuses independent fashion and culture together at the Ace Hotel. by Marjorie Skinner For all the make-nice insistence to the contrary, there is a distinct lack of unity in Portland's fashion industry. What stands as the official Portland Fashion Week is a hit-and-miss affair that—but for a few notable highlights—includes almost none of the apparel and accessory designs that people entrenched in Portland's independent arts scene get truly excited about. Don't blame the fashion week organizers, who've put in a tremendous amount of energy to try to recruit Portland's best talents to the…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The Longshot

news@portlandmercury.com (Ezra Ace Caraeff) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

It's time you start paying attention to Richmond Fontaine and Willy Vlautin. by Ezra Ace Caraeff WILLY VLAUTIN RESIDES past a series of snaking roads and unmarked driveways, deep within a tree-cloaked swath of land in rural Scappoose that is best reserved for farmers, meth cookers, or those who just want to be left the fuck alone. Vlautin fits none of those descriptions. Instead, he uses this parcel to raise a pair of horses and live a secure domestic existence free of the slump-shouldered poetic gloom that permeates his music and novels. Here in Scappoose, no…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

A Balanced Diet

news@portlandmercury.com (Alison Hallett) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Wordstock's mixed buffet of metaphors and literary offerings. by Alison Hallett "BE A LITERARY OMNIVORE," this year's Wordstock advertising campaign instructs. The campaign, with ads cooked up by Wieden + Kennedy's School for Gifted Youngsters (er, the Wieden + Kennedy 12), has been ubiquitous: Red Wordstock ads appear on the shelves at Powell's, on your grocery checkout divider at New Seasons, on baguette bags from Grand Central. In a town of militant vegans, the wisdom of marketing your event by promoting the values of an omnivorous diet is debatable, but never…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Taking the High Ground

news@portlandmercury.com (Matt Davis) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

The Harvey Milk of drug reform comes to Portland. by Matt Davis Ethan Nadelmann is still proud of rendering Stephen Colbert temporarily speechless. The founder and executive director of the national Drug Policy Alliance has been on The Colbert Report three times now, and most recently, in April, was asked whether he was high during the interview. "I have smoked the occasional joint when I'm watching you," said Nadelmann. "But never when I'm on you." The son of a rabbi, Nadelmann is hardly your stereotypical pot smoker. He has three degrees from…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Full Cycle

news@portlandmercury.com (Sarah Mirk) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Young Portland bike builders prepare to face (and race) a long-lost bicycling pioneer. by Sarah Mirk These days, Portland's first bike builder doesn't even ride a bike. Mark DiNucci, whose sturdy, graceful hand-built bikes from the '70 and '80s inspired a current generation of hip up-and-coming Portland builders, lives outside Sisters, Oregon, on a plot of land at the end of a four-mile gravel road. He's ridden a bike maybe three times in the past six years, he says, and hasn't built a real bike in two decades. Until now, that is. Mark DiNucci has been…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The Dead Freeway Society

news@portlandmercury.com (Sarah Mirk) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Portland's progress comes from the roads not built. by Sarah Mirk Scattered all over Portland are artifacts of a city that could have been. Bikes rush down a concrete ramp on the west side of the Hawthorne Bridge that 40 years ago originally connected to an expressway instead of grass. Tiny Piccolo Park off SE Division was the site of homes demolished to make way for the pylon of an unbuilt freeway. These vibrant sites are tombstones. We are a city of dead freeways. While other American cities have built, built,…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Your Bike Stinks

news@portlandmercury.com (Sarah Mirk, Professor of Two-Wheeled Etymology) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Ride like a local, talk like a know-it-all bike jock. by Sarah Mirk, Professor of Two-Wheeled Etymology Fixie—Snide fixed-geared bike jokes are the new snide vegan jokes, but these swift bikes actually take some skill to ride. Lacking a freewheel, fixies can't coast and are powered entirely by buff bikers. The trick to spotting a fixie? Try turning its pedals backward—a fixie's won't budge. Trackstanding—The favored sport of fixie riders, this is the art of stopping at red lights without putting a foot down. Don't even try to compete. MAX and streetcar tracks—A bicyclist death trap! Everyone…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Sleeping Next to Evil:

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

"Roommates" are not your "mates." by Ned Lannamann, Freshman Class of '95, graduation year still pending AS YOU EMBARK UPON the academic year, many of you will be required by your school or budget to share your living quarters with complete strangers—"roommates," they call them. But be warned: Your "roommate" will almost certainly not be your "mate." Take it from me. I switched roommates many times during my freshman year at college, and every single roommate was pure, unadulterated evil. Coincidence? I think not. My first roommate was Matthew Hardenbach. A corn-fed Iowa boy, he initially…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Cinema du Cheapskate: Your Free Movie Cheat Sheet

news@portlandmercury.com (Erik Henriksen) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Screw you, Regal! I'm watching flicks for free! by Erik Henriksen YOU KNOW WHAT'S FOR SUCKERS? Paying taxes and going to doctors! You know what else is for suckers? Paying for movies! If you, like me, want to live off the grid and give a big "EFFFFFFFFFFFF YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU" to "the Man," then you'll realize that coughing up $54.93 (or whatever) to see High School Musical 14: Zac's Got the Alzheimer's is a waste of your goddamn time. $54.93 could buy you a shit-ton of survival supplies at Andy and Bax, and…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Portland Mercury Community College Presents...

news@portlandmercury.com (Wm. Steven Humphrey) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Everything a new incoming freshman needs to know (and yes, that includes gay sex). by Wm. Steven Humphrey DEAR STUDENTS: As dean of Portland Mercury Community College, I'd like to give a warm welcome to our incoming freshmen. And while I'm on the topic, I'd also like to remind you that rules are made for a REASON, and anyone found in violation of these rules—which are clearly set down in your PMCC student manual—risks suspension, expulsion, or hopefully worse. That being said, I think you'll find PMCC to be a fun and diverse institution of higher learning, dedicated…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Your Back-to-School Clip 'n' Save Guide to Everything Portland!

news@portlandmercury.com — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Find what you need. The back-to-school way. MUSIC VENUES 21 and Over: Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430 Berbati's Pan, 10 SW 3rd, 226-2122 Branx, 320 SE 2nd, 234-5683 Camellia Lounge, 510 NW 11th, 221-2130 The Crown Room, 205 NW 4th, 222-6655 Dante's, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630 Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 231-9663 Dunes, 1905 NE MLK, 493-8637 East End, 203 SE Grand, 232-0056 Ella St. Social Club 714 SW 20th Pl, 227-0116 Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th, 221-7262 Goodfoot, 2845 SE Stark, 239-9292 Groove Suite,…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Famous Oregonians Who Actually Graduated

news@portlandmercury.com (Professor E.P. Henriksen, Vice President of Education) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Famous Oregonians who managed to be educated and famous. by Professor E.P. Henriksen, Vice President of Education Throughout our fine nation, Oregonians are known as a lazy, shiftless breed—a species whose members rarely manage to complete kindergarten, let alone attempt higher education. However, even a half-assed Wikipedia search proves that not all Oregonians are useless layabouts (unlike you), and some of them even managed to graduate high school! What follows is a list of famous Oregonians, the estimated dates they graduated high school, and a list of their admirable accomplishments. HEED THEIR EXAMPLE. 1842—Ranald MacDonald. It is…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Who Needs School?

news@portlandmercury.com (Sarah Mirk, Professor of Unemployment) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Get educated with the school of the streets! by Sarah Mirk, Professor of Unemployment DIY screenprinting at the Independent Publishing Resource Center—Meet likeminded artsy kids while you craft your own posters, shirts, and vegan punk zine covers (iprc.org). Workers' rights classes by Portland Restaurant Workers Association—Because at some point in the next four years, you will probably be bussing tables (pdxrwa.org). Bike law with bike lawyer Ray Thomas—The Bicycle Transportation Alliance helps you wave a big fat law book at reckless drivers—and avoid tickets yourself (bta4bikes.org). Spanish/English at Multnomah County Library—Learning from native speakers…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Required Reading

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Five Portland authors you better know. by Alison Hallett, Professor of Literature and Superiority BEVERLY CLEARY'S Ramona Quimby takes her last name from a street in Northwest Portland. Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk might very well be the mild-looking dude sitting behind you at the coffee shop, sipping tea as he mulls over the autoerotic potential of household appliances. It'd be impossible to list all of the novelists, poets, zinesters, and self-publishing publishers who call Portland home, but here's a crib sheet of five names to drop as you're trying to impress your dormmates…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Volunteerism

news@portlandmercury.com (Jane Carlen, Student Hippie) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Benefiting society (with benefits). by Jane Carlen, Student Hippie Free handjobs!! Get your free handjobs!! By which we mean opportunities to volunteer your beefy paws to benefit society, and skip the collegiate, theoretical bullshit. Free Geek—Learn to build and fix computers, and maybe even take one home for free (freegeek.org). SCRAP—Recycle donated materials into supplies for art projects, furniture, home repairs, and more (scrapaction.org). ReBuilding Center—Similar to SCRAP, but with larger items like doors and toilets. They accept drop-in volunteers (rebuildingcenter.org). Community Cycling Center—Help fix up 500 bikes for…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Your Portland Musical Nourishment Pyramid

news@portlandmercury.com (Ezra Ace Caraeff, Professor of Nutrition and Band) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Your local music food pyramid. by Ezra Ace Caraeff, Professor of Nutrition and Band AT THE MERCURY HEALTH ADVISORY BOARD, we care deeply about the musical intake of today's impressionable youth. Far too many students make poor musical decisions at a young age and the ramifications of such ill-advised choices can have grave implications on their future. (Do you really want to be still listening to Matisyahu in your 30s?) Thankfully we have created this Portland Musical Nourishment Pyramid, a basic primer that allows you to enjoy our bevy of quality local music without…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Don't Waste Your Breath!

news@portlandmercury.com (Sarah Mirk, Professor of Anarchy) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Dear budding anarchists: Here's your protest cheat sheet! by Sarah Mirk, Professor of Anarchy Columbia River Crossing Bridge—The bigwigs who still think improving transportation means building fatter freeways are hoping to throw $4.2 billion into turning the current I-5 bridge to Vancouver into a 12-lane behemoth. Join environmentalists and smart-growth experts who are saying WTF to the CRC. Comrades: Coalition for a Livable Future at www.clfuture.org; Smarter Bridge at smarterbridge.org Treatment of homeless—Until just a few months ago, police and hired private security cops shuffled along homeless folks who tried to engage in the…]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]