THERE WAS A TIME, roughly a decade ago, when the relative merits of a certain five-part film series were among the more hotly debated subjects in the extended artsy-fartsy community. Depending on whom you asked, Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle was either the most important work of cinema of the late 20th century or empty, expensive eye candy. That particular battle was either lost or won a long time ago, and I'm not here to argue for either side, as they both totally miss the point anyway: The Cremaster Cycle is just totally fuckin' badass. Like, probably even more badass than Inception. Don't believe me? Check some of this shit out:
Cremaster 1 (1996)—Okay, so yes, it's basically just this big bunch of ladies in frilly shit dancing around or whatever, but as fruity as that sounds, it's totally not fruity. Because for one, it takes place in a football stadium—and because also? BLIMPS.
Cremaster 2 (1999)—Hands down the most badass Cremaster. First off: BEES. Fuckin' so many bees, bro. Slayer's Dave Lombardo plays a drum solo accompanied by bees while the bee-covered dude from Morbid Angel growls into a telephone. Seriously, there's just like a lot of fucking bees. Then there's murderer Gary Gilmore, and Norman Mailer playing Houdini. Did I mention the rodeo? MIND LITERALLY BLOWN.
Cremaster 3 (2002)—Cremaster 3 is long as fuck, but there's still some pretty choice shit. I don't really remember the first half, except that they destroy like five totally ill classic cars in a demolition derby for some reason. But the second part? The part in that Googleheim building? That part is fucking sick. Hot amputee? CHECK! Agnostic Front vs. Murphy's Law vs. a circle pit? DOUBLE FUCKING CHECK. Then all of a sudden it's like a parkour version of Donkey Kong. Sure it takes a long time to get to the good part, but why don't you just nut the fuck up for once?
Cremaster 4 (1994)—This one's pretty all right. There are some motorcycle races, which are cool as hell, and then this cool goat dude who tap dances, but mostly not in a gay way.
Cremaster 5 (1997)—It's an opera, so it goes without saying that this is automatically the pussiest Cremaster. Still, there are at least three non-pussy things worth the admission price: free climbing, base jumping, and a Bond girl. Fuckin' A, right?