Illustration by Martha Rich

BEHOLD THE LESBIAN, in all its various forms of cocklessness. From the easily offended zine editor to the easily offended reader of zines, lesbians cover a wide speculum... I mean spectrum.

However, all lesbians have the following in common:

1. An undying love of making everything political. Without ruining your birthday party, art show, or The Walking Dead viewing with their opinions, the common lesbian would never feel joy.

2. Androgyny. Lesbians, the inspiration for the Terminator franchise, are actually a swarm of eunuch robots sent to our time to dismantle gender roles. True fact.

3. Sexual Hubris. Whether you're at a poetry slam, a composting workshop, or any other event guaranteed to kill a boner, rest assured a lesbian will be there to brag of her hyperbole-filled sexploits. However, the truth of the matter is that lesbians mate like blood thirsty pack animals. Going from coffee tastings to knitting conventions like Tasmanian sex-devils, they become plaid whirlwinds of fashion mullets and vibrator slime, only to ruin everything and then blame it on a penis.

This concludes my brief, but totally accurate, Gay Man's Guide to Lesbians. I hope it helps you better understand the single-layered complexity of today's lesbian.

Catch stand-up comedian Xander Deveaux at Ash St. Saloon, 225 SW Ash, Sun March 10, 9 pm, $5, and at Bar of the Gods, 4801 SE Hawthorne, Mon March 11, 8:30 pm, free.