WELCOME TO THE RILEYS Man, Edward Cullen really let himself go.

DOUG RILEY (James Gandolfini) has a troubled marriage, to say the least: His wife Lois (Melissa Leo) is nearly catatonic, having not left the house since their daughter died in a car crash. So Doug chain smokes, plays poker once a week, and sleeps with a waitress. I think we're supposed to feel sorry for him, but as a surprisingly unlikeable Gandolfini plays him, he just seems like a fat, wheezing, cigarette-stinking pig who cheats on his wife.

On a business trip to New Orleans, Doug ducks into a strip bar, and through a series of unbelievable events, goes home with an underage stripper/hooker named Mallory (Kristen Stewart). He doesn't sleep with her! No, no, Doug would never do a thing like that. You see, what the filmmakers of Welcome to the Rileys want you to believe is that Doug isn't looking for underage poontang; rather, he needs to find a replacement for his dead daughter.

Poor Kristen Stewart: While she's largely been squandered in the Twilight movies, she has the ability to be so good (Adventureland, The Runaways). But Mallory is scripted to be a one-dimensional spank fantasy, a poor little runaway turning tricks in the mean city with no big man to look after her. The character has no grounding in reality—she's a teen prostitute who doesn't even have a pimp, which feels like total bullshit.

It gets worse: Lois, miraculously, leaves the house and drives down to New Orleans, where she happily joins this weird little family. The scene where she gets mad at her husband for shacking up with a teen prostitute is, like, 30 seconds long, and then she's over it. Welcome to the Rileys wants to be hard and gritty, but it has all the dramatic complexity of a Hallmark card.