College can be balls-out menacing. Whenever I used to get crazed by the countless crises, I would consult my Magic 8-Ball. A frequent example: I would shake the ball, close my eyes, and query, "Should I surprise my straight roommate by waking him with a blowjob?" (I never did, because its response was always "All signs point to 'no.'")
Even better than a Magic 8-Ball—and much easier to sneak into class, for help with those multiple choice pop quizzes—is this patented Mercury fortuneteller, just like the one you had back on the playground in first grade, only more accurate! So grab those shears and cut this sucka out! (Directions for folding and using it are below.)
Examples of some of the questions the Mercury's fortuneteller will answer for you:
Would it be easier to buy my term paper on the internet?
Does this chick want me to put a roofie in her Zima?
Should I get an abortion?
Should I let my professor put his hand on my thigh?
1. Cut out the Mercury’s patented fortuneteller, along the outside line (for a stronger fortuneteller, photocopy it onto plain paper).
2. Flip the fortuneteller over, so the fortunes are facing down. Fold one corner to the opposite corner and crease the square diagonally. Unfold and repeat with the other two corners, and crease diagonally. Unfold, and you have two diagonal creases that meet in the center.
3. Fold each corner to the center point and crease—the street names Couch, Davis, Everett, and Flanders should all meet in the center.
4. Turn the fortuneteller over so that the street names are face down. Fold the four corners—each one shows two fortunes—to the center. The fortunes will be hidden after you fold, and the names of eight Portland bridges (St. Johns, Fremont, Burnside, etc.) will face up. 5. Flip it back over and stick your thumbs and index fingers into the four flaps with the street names. Squeeze your fingers together so the teller closes up, and the bridge names are hidden inside.
You’re ready to ask the fortuneteller a question!
To find the answer, choose one of the four Portland street names. Spell the name aloud, while opening and closing the teller for each letter. Then select one of the four bridges named on the inside. Spell the bridge aloud, while opening and closing the teller for each letter.
Four bridges names are showing when you stop. Choose one, lift that flap, and behold—the answer to your question awaits, and your life will be changed forever!
Click here for a PDF version of the Fortune Teller you can print out.