ABDUCTION Not pictured: training wheels.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Though Abduction was not screened for critics, Mercury Editor in Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey insisted on reviewing the film's trailer, because he is obsessed with Taylor Lautner, and annoying.]

The trailer for Abduction starts with teenage Nathan Price (the ab-licious Taylor Lautner) squinching his face up like an anus and wondering, "Why do I feel like a stranger in my own life?" BECAUSE YOU ARE, YO! Nathan's new girlfriend—who resembles Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's missing triplet (let's call her Ashley-Kate)—shockingly finds Nathan's photo on a missing children website. Before he gets a chance to ask his pretend parents (Dr. Del Amico from E.R. and Lucius Malfoy) what the fuck is up, the CIA busts in, kills them, and suddenly young Nathan Price—"a high-valued asset," according to CIA Chief "Dr. Octopus")—is on the run with Ashley-Kate and his new best friend, the mummified corpse of Sigourney Weaver.

Dr. Octopus is all like, "We're going to find you, Nathan!" And Nathan is all like, "Not if I find you first!"—which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but whatever, because now Taylor Lautner's abs are ANGRY, which means he's going to quickly learn karate, steal a bitchin' BMW, use parkour to avoid assassins, and momentarily pause to fuck the living shit out of Ashley-Kate. FACE PUNCH! NUT KICK! EXPLOSION!! JIZZZZZZZZZZ! Booooooo-yahhhhh.

I give this trailer 6 out of 10 abs.