I'm Staying Home 

Adventurelands

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As you no doubt learned from our feature this week ("The Best of Enchanted Forest," pg. 11), there is no place on earth better than Enchanted Forest. And yet? Stupid Hollywood insists on making movies in other, crappier amusement parks.

Beverly Hills Cop 3 (1994)—Eddie Murphy takes down a counterfeiting ring at an amusement park called "Wonderworld." This is the sort of movie that features a cameo by George Lucas.

Westworld (1973)—A Western-themed park populated by robots gets a lot less fun when the ROBOTS GO KILL-CRAZY. Starring Yul Brynner as a kill-crazy robot, and written and directed by Michael Crichton. Hey, what else did Michael Crichton write?

Jurassic Park (1993)—Oh, right! Jurassic Park, in which a dinosaur-themed park populated by dinosaurs gets a lot less fun when the DINOSAURS GO KILL-CRAZY.

Adventureland (2009)—I guess this is still a pretty good movie, even if it doesn't have a single kill-crazy robot or dinosaur. (It does have Ryan Reynolds though, whose dreamy eyes slay my heart.)

Breaking In (1989)—This Burt Reynolds comedy was filmed at Portland's Oaks Park! (Mercury Fun Fact™: Burt Reynolds now works as a carnie at Oaks Park, and wakes up every day cursing the fact he's still alive. Depressing!)

Final Destination 3 (2006)—It's kind of rad how when films get to their second sequel, the film's producers just kind of throw up their hands. "Fine, we'll do one in a goddamn amusement park!" they say, usually while getting a handjob from an aspiring starlet. "Killer rollercoaster? Great! Fuck it."

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)—At a theme park called Magic Mountain, KISS use mystical talismans to defeat a mad scientist. Sure, why not? Great! Fuck it.

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)—In the continuing adventures of Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum, Jim Varney plays "Lothar Zogg," Hulk Hogan plays "Dave Dragon," and Loni Anderson plays "Medusa." As IMDB.com user "hkjohn2001a" proclaims, "Loni Anderson in head-to-toe leather—what's not to like?"

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