AHOY, MATEYS! Alas, our pillagin' and partyin' voyage had to come to depressin' end. Ever since the glorious year of two-aught-aught-three—when Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl hoisted her fearsome flag and sailed into theaters, delightin' all us brave buccaneers—we've had a jolly good run, savvy? Whether we be dressin' up like Johnny Depp an' affectin' his girlish mannerisms, proudly hoistin' the ol' Jolly Roger to a place a' high honor above our futons, or talkin' like pirates to all them landlubbers on Talk Like a Pirate Day, there isn't a single raider on all the Seven Seas who can't vow that we've found a way to enjoy ourselves and annoy everybody else whilst doin' it!
But 'tis no longer! For though we weathered and pirated our way through those foul... whatever those other Pirates of the Caribbean sequels were called, thar can't be any doubt that this latest Pirates film be a boring piece of shit. Make the once-proud Jack Sparrow walk the plank, I say! Down to Davy Jones' Locker with ye, Johnny Depp! Aye!
Actually, know what? Fuck it. I'm sorry, guys. I just can't keep doing this. I'm 36 goddamn years old, and I have a fucking pirate flag hanging over my futon. Fuck, I have a futon. We're embarrassing ourselves, people. And for what? For Disney to take our money and shit on our dreams? Our stupid, stupid dreams?
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is 19,000 hours long and contains not a single funny joke. It's a two-hour ripoff of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, except instead of Indiana Jones looking for the Holy Grail, Jack Sparrow is looking for the Fountain of Youth. (And maybe he's in love with Penélope Cruz? I don't even know.) That guy who swore a lot on Deadwood plays Blackbeard, who's apparently an evil wizard or something. Geoffrey Rush's face looks like roadkill. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley have been replaced with a Bible thumper and a vampire mermaid. (A vampire mermaid.) This movie also has zombies and voodoo in it, and also an entire action scene that revolves around a doughnut, because who the fuck cares, and while we're at it, how the hell do you make a pirate movie about pirates with Penélope Cruz in it and have it be so fucking boring? Even Johnny Depp looks bored. Look, I'm not saying the other Pirates movies were fuckin' Schindler's List or whatever, but at least they had sea monsters and adventures and jokes and didn't make you feel like a moron for sitting through them, you know? Nothing ever happens in Stranger Tides, and all that anyone who's in it ever does is talk and suck.
So I guess what I'm saying is I won't be meeting up with you guys at T.G.I. Friday's this Tuesday for our monthly "Arrgh! Pee Gee RPG Gaming Night." I just... I'm sorry. Not after this.
Also, if any of you guys want my parrot, text me.