Alexander the Lame 

Oliver Stone Should Rent Some Gay Porno


Alexander
dir. Stone
Now Playing
Various Theaters

If you're looking for a way to drive up high school suicide rates, then make sure teachers show Oliver Stone's THREE HOUR LONG Alexander in the kids' history class. A sweeping, mind-numbingly annoying epic, Stone is possibly the only director in the world that can put hunky Colin Farrell in a largely gay role, yet still make it ridiculously unexciting.

The son of a drunken one-eyed king (Val Kilmer) and an insane snake-handling mom (Angelina Jolie), Alexander grows up studying the ancient Greek myths that invariably prove that pride leads to the ultimate downfall. Stupidly ignoring these stories, Alexander sets out to take Asia away from the Persians, thereby unifying the world under one emperor (himself). Along the way, Alexander fights a couple of big Lord of the Rings-style battles and beats the shit out of a number of helpless third-world tribes. Shockingly, he marries one of the tribal women (Rosario Dawson), all the while making gay googly eyes at his male servants--in particular, his best "friend," Hephaistion (the admittedly gorgeous Jared Leto).

Now, you'll undoubtedly hear a lot of flack from homophobic historians decrying Stone's depiction of a gay-ish Alexander--but regardless of historical truth, this Alexander makes one lousy gay. All that happens is a few smoky looks, and one closed-mouth kiss... PLEASE! Monday Night Football is TWICE as gay.

And who can tell if this lumbering mess is historically accurate or not? Especially since the narrator Old Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins) mumbles his way through all the important exposition, leaving the viewer helplessly confused for the first third of this THREE-HOUR movie.

To the film's credit, there's a fairly entertaining battle scene where elephants stomp people to death. But that's about it. Otherwise, all you have is THREE HOURS of ramshackle accents, overwrought symbolism, and Colin Farrell tromping aimlessly around Asia desperately trying to avoid the egotistical fate of mythical Greek gods. And it's no small irony that Oliver Stone, in making this movie, has fallen victim to a similar enemy--his big gay ego.

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