ZOOKEEPER It's not even half as good as Paul Blart. It's like half a Blart. A quarter-Blart, even.

LOOK, I WASN'T EXPECTING great things from Zookeeper, the new movie starring Kevin "It's Funny Because He's Fat" James alongside a bunch of talking animals. I figured it would be a family-friendly comedy with a sweet streak, a hokey, predictable, comfort-food wisp of a movie about James wooing the girl of his dreams with the help of his animal buddies. I assumed there would be some groan-worthy puns, James would get hit in the nuts a few times, and somebody—the slimy ex-boyfriend, most likely, or perhaps the evil developer who wants to evilly turn the zoo into, like, an evil animal crackers factory or something—would land face-first in a pile of poop.

Instead, Zookeeper is a movie fit only for young, soft-brained children whose development you are intentionally trying to arrest. To make matters worse: There's no nutshot. There's no punning. There's no evil developer character! (Come on, that's a gimme!) Worst of all: No one lands face-first in a pile of poop... except YOU, the viewer.

One day, all the animals start talking to zookeeper Griffin (James). Not because of a magical amulet or ancient spell or anything—it simply turns out they could talk all along! Five years ago, Griffin was dumped by bitchy Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), but now she's back in town because of somebody's wedding, I guess? The whole wedding part is supremely confusing; there are, like, four gatherings that result from it, including a bike ride where all the characters pedal around the park for some reason. There's also a reception with aerial ribbon dancers, so there's a lengthy sequence in which James swings around on their ribbons—they don't even make a monkey joke here, that's how clueless the movie is.

Stephanie wants Griffin to quit zookeeping and sell cars. Meanwhile, Hot Lady Zookeeper (Rosario Dawson) is nice and sweet and doesn't want him to do anything. Which one will he choose? You're already miles ahead of this movie—oh, and you've got some poop on your face.