- At My Wit's End
Dear Wit's End: Stay calm. Let's look at your problem scientifically. First off, zombies are rotting corpses, which means their brains can no longer function. They are driven by a magical power that even modern science cannot fully understand--a sort of voodoo, if you will. Which brings me to my point: If "Dale" were a zombie, he would be incapable of engaging in activities that require thought--such as speaking full sentences or operating a joystick. Specifically: This means no James Bond video game and no complaining about back pain... though he could conceivably watch both Days of Our Lives and Passions.
What's our second piece of evidence that Dale's no zombie? Zombies have an unholy craving for human brains, not dog brains. So even if Dale devoured your beloved canine friend, that's hardly proof that he's a zombie. In fact, many Chinese people consider dog a delicacy, and there's no scientific evidence that the Chinese are more likely to become zombies than the rest of us!
Maybe the problem is not Dale, but you! Have you ever considered that Dale may be sending you signals? So what if he has an unusual appetite for canine? I bet there are oddities about you, as well. Maybe you should try to be more accepting. Talk about it. Go to the butcher shop together and choose a meal you both will enjoy. This may be the perfect opportunity to get to know your future husband a little bit better. Good luck, Wit's End!
DEAR MARILYN: My friends and I are brothers in the Mu Delta Theta fraternity at the University of Nebraska. Every Halloween for the last three years we've squared off against our lame-ass neighbors, the Phi "homos" Betas, over who can put together the best haunted house. But every year they've kicked our asses--with more booze, more babes, and more zombies carrying chainsaws. Well, this is our senior year and no way in hell will we let the Phi Betas show us up again. So, we've concocted a kick ass plan: Real zombies carrying chainsaws. Only problem is, we don't know where to find them, and we've already bragged to everyone that at our haunted house they'll be attacked by real zombies with real chainsaws. Everybody's super psyched (except for the sissy lame-o Phi Betas, who are saying we're full of s#**). Marilyn, we have to deliver the goods or we're going to look like chumps, and probably won't get laid again until 2009. Help!
-Screwed Without Real Zombies
Dear Screwed: Let's get one thing straight--I don't recommend mingling zombies with humans. They eat human brains and turn humans into more zombies. Their rotting corpse flesh also leaves nasty stains on the furniture. You know how hard it is to clean up puke? Multiply that by 20! However, I was once a sassy sorority gal myself (go Pu Beta!) and still remember the painful defeat us Pu Beta Thetas suffered in the beach volleyball tournament at UCLA at the hands of the ape-ugly Mu Alpha Culpas. So, for the sake of good Greek competition, I will put aside my reservations regarding the undead and your friends' safety.
There are two ways to procure actual, bona fide zombies: 1) Catch them on a night they are rising from their graves, or 2) inject otherwise healthy people with a terrible flesh-eating virus that rots their brains and induces in them an all-encompassing, deadly rage. I recommend option one, as it carries lesser criminal penalties.
That said, zombies may be easy to snare once they're out of the ground, but exactly when they will rise can be more unpredictable. Try hunting on the next full moon or Friday the 13th. Also, most any night at an Indian burial ground is a good bet.