DR. SEUSS’ THE LORAX Pictured above: Danny DeVito, raped environment.

UNIVERSALLY AGREED to be the mopiest of Dr. Seuss' books, The Lorax is nevertheless a kids' classic that carries an important message and never talks down to its readership. The same cannot be said for the new animated version, which is the visual equivalent of watching Al Gore juggle a kitten, an exploding pack of firecrackers, an ice cream sundae, a shirtless Zac Efron, and... what was that message again?

In order to impress a girl (of course voiced by Taylor Swift), Ted (of course Zac Efron) travels outside his plasticized town—where a dickhole one-percenter is actually selling bottled air to the populace—to discover where all the real trees have gone. He discovers the Once-ler (Ed Helms, because they couldn't get Steve Carell), who recounts the mopey tale of how he murdered all those trees and royally butt-fucked the environment. The rest of the 90-minute running time is a near endless barrage of vanilla jokes delivered by the unfunniest guy at your sister's wedding, unenthusiastically voiced by a cadre of celebrities we're supposed to care about but don't (the aforementioned Swift, Efron, Helms, as well as Betty White [because she's on the internet], and Danny DeVito as "The Lorax" [because he's short]).

Oh! Now I remember the message: Don't rape the environment! That quick bon mot was crammed in between a climactic segue/car chase and a painfully shrill musical dance number specifically designed to clear-cut your cochlea.

In short, your kids will love it.