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Here's that Men in Black Sequel You Haven't Been Asking For!

MEN IN BLACK 3 Josh Brolin is not very good at holding guns.

MEN IN BLACK 3 Josh Brolin is not very good at holding guns.

"SO WE HAD a script, with a really good first act and a fantastic ending, but there were scenes in the middle that needed work," director Barry Sonnenfeld recently told New York's Vulture blog. Despite not having a finished screenplay, Sonnenfeld started shooting Men in Black 3 anyway—explaining why this, the first Men in Black in a decade, and one that's rumored to have cost $375 million, ran into a few tiny little production problems. Normally, this behind-the-scenes stuff wouldn't matter; normally, it's what's onscreen that counts. By the way, here's what's onscreen in Men in Black 3: OH SHIT! WE'RE MAKING THIS? FOR REAL? OKAY THE FUCK OKAY HEY WILL SMITH SHOUT SOMETHING! OH. OH, OH SHIT, SHIT SHIT

The plot would've been a throwaway gag in the first Men in Black: Agent J (Smith) time travels to 1969, teaming up with the younger version of his partner, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones, looking like he's about to die, appears for five minutes before morphing into Josh Brolin, who, to be fair, does one hell of a Tommy Lee Jones). So J and K bicker and bond and fight a biker alien (Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords, squandered) and hang out with a weird alien (Michael Stuhlbarg of Boardwalk Empire and A Serious Man, even more squandered) and zoom around on dorky space motorcycles and punch CG aliens in their stupid CG faces and oh, right! 1969! So: Hippies! Space program! Andy Warhol? Racism!

This summer's already full of failed cash-ins, rehashes, and dead-end franchises, from Battleship to Dark Shadows to John Carter, but Men in Black 3 is the most bland and inept of them yet. It's a movie that has just enough of the original's spark to remind you how unappealing this one is; it's a desperate thing that feels lazy, rushed, and cheap. When people talk shit about blockbusters, Men in Black 3 is the sort of product they're referring to. Which is too bad, because any movie that boasts not one but two Tommy Lee Joneses should've sucked at least a little bit less.

Men in Black 3
Rated PG-13 · 104 minutes · 2012
Official Site: www.sonypictures.com/movies/meninblack3
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Producer: Walter F. Parkes, Laurie MacDonald, Steven Spielberg and G. Mac Brown
Cast: Will Smith, Tommy Jones, Josh Brolin, Jemaine Clement, Michael Stuhlbarg, Emma Thompson, Alice Eve, Bill Hader, David Rasche, Mike Colter, Lenny Venito, Keone Young, Nicole Scherzinger, Michael Chernus and Cayen Martin
Men in Black 3 3D
Rated PG-13 · 106 min. · 2012
Official Site: www.meninblack.com
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writer: Etan Cohen and Lowell Cunningham
Producer: Walter F. Parkes and Laurie MacDonald
Cast: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Jemaine Clement, Michael Stuhlbarg and Emma Thompson
Men In Black 3 IMAX 3D
Rated PG-13 · 106 min. · 2012
Official Site: www.meninblack.com
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writer: Lowell Cunningham
Cast: Will Smith, Alice Eve, Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, Jemaine Clement, Emma Thompson, Bill Hader, Rip Torn, Nicole Scherzinger and Michael Stuhlbarg

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