backyard summertime checklist 

Summertime is here, which means it's time for you to plop down on that big old fat ass. However, how can optimal laziness be achieved unless everything in your backyard has been prepared and is within easy reach? What follows is a handy list of those summertime must-haves.

* WHAM-O "SLIP 'N SLIDE"--Wherein you run, dive onto a wet, slippery 16 foot sheet of plastic, and slide headfirst into the garage door. $11.99, available at Walgreens on Burnside.

* WHALE SPRAY POOL--This inflatable kiddie pool is whale-shaped, and can easily accommodate a drunken adult lying beneath the refreshing spray of water shooting from its blowhole. $19.99, available at Toys "R" Us.

* WEBER GAS GRILL--There are only two types of people who think charcoal grills are better than gas: Vietnam vets and retards. With this inexpensive gas grill you can throw on your meat and be back in your chair in two minutes. Top that. $50, available at Fred Meyer.

* CANNON BEACH DELUXE FOLDING CHAIR WITH FOOTREST, HEAD PILLOW, AND BEER HOLDER--The name says it all. $24.99, available at amazon.com.

* THE RASHEED--Nothing satisfies on a long, hot one more than a delicious fudge Popsicle, and for my money the best is the Deluxe brand. Why do we call it the "Rasheed"? Because, just like him, it's long, it's thick, and. mmm. so good. 50 cents, available in your grocer's freezer

* PABST BLUE RIBBON BEACH TOWEL--If you must pass out, at least let everyone know what made you lose consciousness. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beach Towel: a must for the sun-lovin' blackout drinker. $24.95, available at pabst.com.

* THE AMERICAN FLAG--And long may she muthafuckin' wave. $12, available at Walgreens.

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