Trust me, this opening line is guaranteed to grab the attention of an entire table. Try: "Last week at the gang bang, I was thinking about whether my boyfriend and I should move in together." Or, "At the gang bang the other night, I was like, 'Should I get red streaks in my hair?"
Then, after dropping in a few choice tidbits about the group sex you witnessed, you can turn the conversation to any self-absorbed topic of choice--and no one will be the wiser. Before long, not only will Jane and Freddie be weighing the pros and cons of whether or not you should buy a feather bed, they'll be paying for your beer to boot.
Besides, at least for me, hanging out at the Rose City Gang Bang shook the very foundations of everything I considered "normal." And my boring life needed a little shaking up.
THE ACE OF HEARTS The Rose City Gang Bang is a group sex event at the Ace of Hearts, a private Southeast Portland sex club. It's an evening of group fucking and masturbating, swapping spit and wives, and even a little gardening advice. I decided to test the boundaries of my 9 to 5, group-sex-free lifestyle by attending not only the Ace's monthly gang bang, but their "Aces Wild" event, which caters to the 18-35 bi-curious sex crowd.
Both times I rolled up to the Ace of Hearts, I was petrified and half-drunk. Seeing people having sex outside of a porno scares the shit out of me--I'm not sure why. Being asked if I want to "play" by men I don't know also scares me, but after two evenings at the Ace, I became quite adept at telling them, "Thank you, but I just like to watch." See, hurting feelings also scares me.
Upon entering the club, an attractive gal gives you a tour. The club space is huge--10,000 square feet--so there's a lot of room in which to get busy. The downstairs has showers and private areas, and a huge dining room with a "fully catered giant buffet." While I perused the offerings, a half-naked lady was restocking the fruit, vegetable, meat, cheese, and hot food trays. Men dressed only in towels stopped by to grab a nibble. Now, the thought that they were touching a dinner roll with a hand that might've been in a vagina five minutes earlier did cross my mind--nevertheless, I piled up my plate with food. I mean, gang bang or no, who passes up a free buffet?
While I was devouring a plate of chicken wings, one couple paused in the middle of the room. The woman was wearing a nightie, and put one of her legs up on a chair--suggesting to the man that he should mount her right there and then. He waved his hand, as if to say, "No, thanks," and they moved on.
Phew. Watching somebody go at it doggy style while licking barbecue sauce off my fingers? There's something not right about that.
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN
Shocking factoid: If you're a woman at the Ace of Hearts, you're in the minority. Unsurprisingly, men are more inclined than women to pay the $40 cover charge for a guaranteed fuck. (Note: According to the Ace's manager, Tom, a normal-looking, showered man is 100 percent likely to get laid. A man with dirty fingernails, however, is not.)
Thankfully for horny dudes, though, most of the women are willing to take on more than one guy--some getting fucked by up to 50 guys in one night. (Ouch.) You'll also find couples looking for a woman to join them in a three-way. However, according to Tom, the older "swinging" couples are ONLY interested in bisexual play with women. In fact, any male-on-male touching can make you a pariah within the scene.
This homophobia, overwhelmingly present amongst older swingers, is the reason Tom has started separate events for younger people, like the "Aces Wild." He wants to promote all-inclusive sexuality; guy-on-guy, girl-on-girl, eunuch-on-eunuch--whatever. And to tell the truth, if I'd seen more guy-on-guy action, I'd be more likely to go back to the Ace of Hearts. What can I say? I fucking love that shit.
DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT THE GANG BANG?
First-timers and chickens (like me) often retreat to the Ace's hot tub/smoking room. There's way less pressure; sitting in plastic chairs, smoking hella cigarettes, and chatting with other scaredy cats about how it's your first time.
Meanwhile, some people were getting naked for a soak in the hot tub--like my completely uninhibited co-worker Marjorie. She was all too happy to rip off her clothes immediately and jump in. Though she invited me to join her, I chose to abstain, making up some lame excuse about having athlete's foot.
But here's the funny thing: The second Marjorie's naked toe hit the bubbling water, a mini-stampede of men were pulling off their pants and piling into the tub. The poor little hot tub Marjorie was sitting in suddenly became so crowded that the water started sloshing over the sides.
A few minutes later, I peeked through my fingers and noticed Marjorie was having her feet rubbed by one dude, while other guys were making it a point to compliment her hair and nipple piercings. Then one guy (who claimed to have already had sex four times that evening) tried to finger Marjorie--but she quickly asked him to "lay off." Marjorie's such a moron... free fingerings don't come along everyday!
Shaking my head in disgust, I suddenly looked up and realized I was sitting directly across from some guy I had met months earlier at a backyard barbecue.
"You're Katie, right?" he asked, without the slightest bit of embarrassment.
"Only in Portland," I thought, "would I run into someone I know at a gang bang."
If you need further proof of how small Portland can be, later in the evening I found myself ordering a drink at the Sandy Hut--only to spot a guy I'd seen a few hours earlier standing around holding his penis in his hand.
AND NOW... THE GOOD STUFF
Until this point, I thought it best to hold off on furnishing any juicy descriptions about the hardcore sex I saw at the Ace of Hearts, because I wanted you to read the entire article. For those who decided to stick around, your patience will now be rewarded:
Beyond the Ace's smoking lounge, lockers, and game room is where the real shit goes down. In the back, on the second floor, there's a hallway of private rooms (some open, some closed), as well as two plenty-fucking-for-everyone-to-see orgy rooms. On my original tour we came down the hallway first. I peeked inside one of the rooms, only to be greeted by a bare male ass pumping away like a jackhammer.
"Ahhhhh!" I exclaimed, as I often do when startled, and backed away as if someone was chasing me with a knife. Then, just as quickly, I kicked myself for not taking another peek.
As we moved into the orgy rooms, the hostess actually wanted me to walk through one of them--meaning I would've had to rub legs with guys who were jerking their chickens.
"No, thanks!" I chirped. "I'll go back the other way."
This made me look like a complete pussy, but I didn't care. The last thing I need is some pre-cum rubbing off on my favorite pair of Gap low-rise, boot cut stretches.
During the 15 total minutes I spent gazing into orgy rooms, I can only recall fragments of what I saw--but here's what I remember.
A large woman wearing a nightie was sucking the dick of a 40-ish guy.
An older blonde woman sat on a naked guy's cock while a man with a soggy boner touched himself nearby.
A woman lay splayed out on a bed, with a man eating her out, another tweaking her nipples, and about 10 dudes standing around with their flies down, playing with themselves.
I walked by a pile of bodies I couldn't untangle with my eyes, and a woman reached out to greet us (or maybe she wanted someone to throw her a rope?)
A gorgeous blonde lay on the bed wearing only a plaid Catholic schoolgirl skirt hiked up around her stomach. An older voluptuous woman was sitting on the girl's face.
A frat boy wearing a hat (oh, please) was getting his cock rubbed by a girl, while another guy unzipped his fly and fucked her. After pulling out, a fat, boring guy tried to fuck her as well, but couldn't get it up. Though he tried to stall by eating her out, this only served to annoy her. I thought this was pretty funny. However, two handholding young lesbians were also watching, and for some reason their studious, way-too serious faces were bugging the shit out of me. I wanted to yell, "Hey sisters! Lighten up already! It's a gang bang, for Christ's sake." But the room was way too quiet, so instead of succumbing to a nervous laughing attack, I chose the correct course of action, which was to get the hell out of there.
IS A GANG BANG RIGHT FOR YOU?
Whether you call it a gang bang, a group orgy, or a fuck party, the scene at the Ace of Hearts isn't for everyone. And though it may continue to provide fodder for my masturbation fantasies, the up-close, personal nature of this type of event isn't part of my steez. However, for the girls with daddy complexes, people who need unemotional humping, couples who get off on being watched, people who get off on watching, guys who like to fuck four times a night, people who like free buffets and soaking in hot tubs, lovers looking for a third, or people just looking for a good story to tell... well... I guess it would be fucking perfect.
Ace of Hearts is located at 3533 SE 39th. The Rose City Gang Bang is the 3rd Saturday of each month (next one is March 20th). Rose City Aces Wild is the 1st Saturday of each month. Beginning in April, Rose City Big Beautiful Women Lovers will be the 2nd Saturday of each month. Rose City Fetish Fun starts in May on the 4th Saturday. Events start at 3pm... and will run until 5am or until things die out. Entry is $40 and food and water are free.