Battle Royale 

Pirates and Ninjas Will Beat You to Death

IT DOESN'T GET much more Halloween than this. Fist of Dishonor dress up as ninjas, fight audience members, and play rock songs about bad senseis and kicking ass. Sunken Chest dress up as pirates and play sea shanty punk songs. Tonight they share a stage and promise to battle each other with the song—and the sword. I got the story from Fist of Dishonor drummer Zodiac Snow Wolf. Oh, and this show is five bucks, unless you come in costume; then it's free. You know what to do.

MERCURY: Complete this sentence, "Fist of Dishonor wants to... "

ZODIAC SNOW WOLF: Fist of Dishonor wants to get drunk from the rum-saturated blood of those parasitic, algae-sucking, plank-dodging, staggering, stinky PIRATES. There are so many of them, there's virtually no one left to rob and pillage. They're cutting into our profits. They can't even rape correctly.

Tell us about Sunken Chest.

The whale fodder known as Sunken Chest will be our first target. They will probably be loud, annoying, pickpocket-ing, grab-assing, and basically trying to intimidate everyone into actually enjoying their brand of musical slop. All the while we will be plotting their end. It is important to remember when taking out a pirate... aim for the eye patch; they'll never see it coming.

Has Fist of Dishonor done any special training in anticipation of this show/fight?

We take our Rockstar-style kung fu very seriously. We are always ready! Countless one-handed pushups with our amps strapped to our backs, Drumchuk workouts, Pressure-Point-Chord-Formation drills, not to mention we've all mastered the Drunken-Rockstar technique. But these are merely our daily exercises—we will not need any special training for these foofy-tarts. Our victory shall come with great ease. It's hard to keep your balance if one of your legs is a wooden peg.

Explain for the uninitiated what Rockstar-style kung fu is all about...

Rockstar-style kung fu is the most deadly and ultimate martial arts technique known to mankind, and it looks damn cool. Previous forms of kung fu were derived from the frolicking of small woodland animals, puny insects, and pathetic birds. Rockstar-style kung fu was inspired by the movements of the most dynamic and fabulous creatures of all... rockstars! Fist of Dishonor has some of the deadliest talents the stage has ever known... for instance: Missy Jitsu: Lead Voice, Earwrecker, Twin Butterfly Knives, Her Bare Hands, Mamma-Cass-Chicken-Bone-Choker Technique, Kiss of Death. Shirley Shuriken: Guitar, Musical Bone Saw, Throwing Stars, Monkey Bubbles, Pete-Townshend-Tush-over-Teakettle Style. Kabuki Bottom: Bass, Kazamboo, Tuvan Throat Singing, G-String Stranglehold, Spiked Probe, Syd-Dead-Licious Style, and Bootsy-Collins-to-the-Head Technique. Zodiac Snow Wolf: Drumchuks, Skull-Shaker, Teeth, Eye of Death, Ozzy-Bite-the-Heads-off-Things Style. Robo D: Keyboard, Bass, Voice, Fire, Pressure Point Chord Formations, Velvet-Underground-Death-Touch, 'Ol-Dirty-Mustache-Technique. Kage Shadow Shigae Maru: Lead Guitar, Katanna, Wall of Sound Force Field, Killer Smile, Leather Pants Distraction, Bowie-Knife-Strike Style, Keith-Richards-Backhand-Strike.

What happens when it becomes Drunken-Rockstar technique?

There is no official documentation of Drunken-Rockstar technique. Anyone who is misfortunate enough to behold such a style won't live to see the light of tomorrow. We can't tell you any more...

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