BEST PLACE TO FIND THE OSMOND FAMILY DISCOGRAPHY
Deseret Industries, 10330 SE 82nd, 777-3895
Disclaimer: Though the Mormon-owned thrift store, Deseret Industries, didn't advertise--our theory is that the PM is just too darn liberal--we do receive huge sums of money from their parent company, Illuminati Accounting Services, thanks to a deal made back in the '80s when the money spilled like wine. Thusly, we have been cleared to write about this establishment by the mighty blessing of PM publisher Robert Crocker (who, with his partner Michelle Ness, is one of Puddletown's cutest and Most Important Couples, and don't forget it next time you see them at Genoa). At D.I., you can buy every LP by those lovable Osmonds, not to mention the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (also on advanced stereo hi-fi, long-playing record). For the duvet-o-phile: Deseret Industries sells brand new comforters in dusty mauves and lavenders. Your family will never know it's not Laura Ashley!
BEST PLACE TO GET A MUNG BEAN
Uncle Man's Groceries, 6111 SE 82nd
If you're like us, you simply can't get out of bed in the morning without a good dose of mung bean. Toasted, julienned, braised in olive oil and fresh garlic, or seared with tender slices of veal and truffles--noshing on mung beans is the healthy and oh-so-decadent food equivalent of lounging with cucumbers over your weary eyelids. But if you find your mung bean habit cuts into your Aveda spa budget, fret no more: at 63 cents a bag, your yen for mung can be replenished as often as you like. See advertisement in paper, pg 11.
BEST PLACE TO BUY SHOES AND BOOTS FOR MEN
Al's Shoes and Boots for Men, 5811 SE 82nd Ave, 771-2130
Walking into Al's made us miss our small hometown with its small family shoe stores, where they actually care if the shoes fit. This shoe and boot store has everything you could ask for in a shoe and boot store (except vanity; there's hardly a mirror in sight). There's cool air, earnest employees, and the nearly intoxicating scent of well-tanned leather. We felt a little guilty for having a secret journalistic mission, not to mention that we also stuck out because they don't even carry shoes small enough for us. Feigning a search for hard-to-find, really big shoes, we were led to amply stocked shelves of size 14 and 15 well-stitched and oiled steel-toed boots. We focused on a pair of light tan ones and weighed one's heft in our hand. A boot like that--so well made, useful, and big--it almost made us cry. WE LOVE YOU, AL'S SHOES AND BOOTS FOR MEN! AND WE DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!! See advertisement in paper, pg 11
BEST PLACE TO START A BAND
Stuff, 9170 SE 82nd, 775-2056
Attention fledgling rock bands: fledge on down to STUFF for excellent deals on all the gear you'll need. Everyone knows pawn shops are the place for cheap music equipment, but many pawnbrokers don't know Klipsch from K-Tel. STUFF, however, has good prices on excellent name-brand audio gear. They test all incoming equipment and have a 7-day, no-questions return policy. They also sell, new, the little things you need to make the grunge flow: cables for your pre-licked microphone, batteries for your pre-stomped stomp-box, strings for your pre-smashed guitar. And they have a wall of used CDs, from which you can select a marketable genre and hairstyle, and glean the mailing addresses of an appropriate record label. They'll even sell you a used laptop to organize your tour dates, a used camera to shoot your promo head shots, and a used engagement ring to stick through your nose. Best of all, if stardom doesn't come knocking, they'll buy it all back.
BEST PLACE TO IGNORE CRAZY PEOPLE
Value Village, 5050 SE 82nd, 771-5472
Ah, Value Village. A pillar in the young person's jumbled society. So large, so inviting, so varietal--such a frequent Mercury advertiser! Well friends, as you can tell, PM can't say enough good things about double V. Their Retro section is comprehensive, their hats come in sizes from large to small, their dressing rooms don't have invasive video cameras. What else can PM say? Well, crazy people do often inhabit the Village. PM does not begrudge the crazies a healthy, fun, and undoubtedly fruitful shopping trip, but, when the crazies happen to talk to PM, we do enjoy giving them a good ignoring. One crazy might say something like "I need a new shirt," aloud, and in the direction of PM. PM however, pretends to hear nothing and looks down at their sweater, pulling off a piece of lint.
BEST PLACE WHERE POP CULTURE ICONS GO TO DIE
St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store, 8033 SE Holgate, 777-5442
Need a Ren and Stimpy cup and saucer? An Incredible Hulk coffee mug? A Toy Story stuffed animal? Across the street from a sprawling cemetery, St. Vincent's keeps alive the pop icons from yesteryear. Although they may be communists (Russian spoken here, says a sign at the front desk!), we still voted them best rummage store. I mean, where else can you find buckets of used crutches and a complete collection of James Michener novels? Eat your heart out, Powell's! (And, you don't hear the staff complaining about union rights!)