Illustration by Martha Rich

SEX IS GREAT! Except for the dread that your sperm could infect a girl with a baby. And then your girl gets all emotional for nine months, before squatting out some squalling crotchfruit, and then sometimes you have to feed it and wipe it and all that shit. So dudes: Exercise a couple minutes of responsibility so as to avoid a whole fuckin' lifetime of it, and use these tried-and-true birth control options for men:

1. Reminding her to take her birth control pills. I find a good time to deliver the reminder is when I've just rolled off, while it's still fresh in my mind. I guess I could take one, but science dudes are too busy making spray-on rubbers, which would be awesome because even the ultra-thins feel like I'm fucking through a kitchen glove. Ugh.

2. Pulling out. They do this all the time in porn and you've never seen a pregnant porn star, amirite?

3. Buying her Plan B because you didn't pull out in time. I guess she just swallows the pill and the baby evaporates in her stomach? Seriously, there should be stuff like this for dudes. I'd totally take it.

4. Vasectomy. Look, real talk: If you're really scared of having babies, just man up and get your nuts clipped, bro.