BEAUTIFUL CREATURES Jeremy Irons: Teenage Boner Killer.

IF THE TWILIGHT MOVIES had any self-awareness, and then they had a baby with a VC Andrews novel, and were also kind of like Harry Potter, you'd have Beautiful Creatures!

That probably made more sense in my head, but don't worry about it.* What I'm trying to say is: I liked it!

Based on a series of YA supernatural romance books, Beautiful Creatures is about Ethan (Alden Ehrenreich), a teenager in the Deep South who longs to escape his backasswards, Civil War-obsessed town. Then he meets Lena (Alice Englert), a mysterious new student who lives with her uncle Macon (eff yeah Jeremy Irons!) on a creepy old plantation. Lena can do crazy shit like make windows explode and change the weather—but she's not a witch! No, she's a "caster," which as far as I can tell, is basically the same as a witch. Anyway, Lena is about to find out if she will be a good or bad caster and Ethan falls for her.

Unlike the book, which is way too long (and tedious, and badly written), Beautiful Creatures: The Movie glides along at a nice clip. Screenwriter/director Richard LaGravenese cuts out a lot of the casters' backstory and replaces it with camp and charm, which makes the film both completely enjoyable and utterly incomprehensible. But at least the movie embraces its silliness, making it fun and watchable in all of the ways Twilight made me want to die.

Oh, there's also this thing about an evil witch that wants Lena to go to the dark side so that the casters can stop hiding in the shadows and rule the world? So yeah, that's Star Wars and Voldemort in just one scene. I am telling you: This movie has everything.

* New tagline for this movie: "It made more sense in somebody's head, but don't worry about it."