Thanks for moving here to start your parent-funded IT consulting "business." Thanks for jumping on the credit union train at 30, because your mom's monthly check counts as a direct deposit. Dr. Daddy is proud of his littlest princess' first $1500 studio apartment in the brand new eyesore built atop an entire city block of foreclosed homes and displaced minorities, on 3ish work days a week. Oh, you share a house with 4 other people? Sorry, your $700 hot-tub equipped bedroom confused me. Thanks for your contribution to our annual hike in rent. Thanks for establishing your "trendy" thinly veiled christian magazine. Thanks for your checklist of demands at our local coffee shop. Thanks for bro-ing down with your rent-a-cop. Thanks for adopting that decade-late Hitler haircut, and covering yourself in more flannel and pomade than could be practical. Thanks for dating this asshole for frequent trips to his parents' Tuscan villa. Thanks for bringing your loud, normal girlfriend to our favorite quiet park. Thanks for blaring your techno on the first sunny day of the year at your BBQ with your 9 try-hard friends. Thanks for commercializing every counter-culture your puny mind can wrap itself around, only to mock and undermine every sincere, conscious, community building "hippy punk" you see. Thanks for having the (in)decency to barely obscure your racist, classist, white entitlement. Thanks for leaving your rich just-outside-the-city suburb to pollute our town. We are coming for you.
Die Yuppy Scum
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.