I hate bicycles. I hate that no matter where I go in this city, some smug and self-righteous person is talking about their bicycle. There are bicycle events, new bicycle lanes, bicycle sculptures, special bicycle parking, bicycle bicycle bicycle. Every time I see someone on a bicycle, I think to myself, "that person thinks they're so great because they ride a bicycle." Well, you're not saving the world, pal. You're a clown.

Why don't you use public transit if you are so committed to being car free? Huh? What's that? Can't sit on a bus with poor people like me? Oh, no of course not, you're right: when you're on a bus you might have to actually interact with your community, and realize that not everyone is a latte-sipping, scarf-flinging, new-seasons-shopping turkey like you. You want to actually do good in the world? Start connecting with people outside your comfort zone, and leave your self-righteous fart-sniffing at home.