I was going about 90 miles an hour somewhere in residential SE and blew through a couple stop signs, slammed on my brakes, spun into your parked car — which probably stopped me from flipping over. Amazingly, I was able to drive away. Sorry about that.
Also, sorry for being too drunk to have sex with you for, oh, several years.
I apologize for blacking out on many, many nights and trying to piece together the details the next day via my cell phone texts, receipts in my pocket, blood in the sink, bottles next to the bed.
Sorry to everyone whom I stole liquor from. If I replaced it or diluted it with water, I'm even more sorry.
I'm sorry to my friends and coworkers, who have had to endure my bullshit excuses for a very long time.
I apologize for throwing up in your yard, or stuffing beer cans and wine bottles in your bushes.
Sorry about my half-hearted suicide attempt, which I can't even remember. That kind of takes the cake.
I've been drinking every day for the last 12 years or so. This is the third day in a row I've been sober. I don't have anyone to share that with.