I take a certain pride in the fact that I never do anything you want me to do. HOWEVER! Ian Karmel's (AKA Portland's funniest dude) feature "Portland as Fuck" was met with such wide acclaim and requests to give him his own weekly column, I decided to pretend like you didn't have anything to do with it, and that it was all my idea.

SO GUESS WHO HAS A BRAND NEW COLUMN IN THE MERCURY? Presenting Ian Karmel's Portland as Fuck. Here's a peep of his first column about the late night employees at mini-marts, also known as PORTLAND'S GREATEST HEROES.

And how do we repay these heroes? Scorn unfettered! When you see a teacher or a cop in a movie, they're played by Ryan Gosling or Mariska Hargitay. (Say her name out loud. It's a blast.) When you see a convenience store worker in a movie, they're played by me. If you bring home a date, and they're in the military, your parents will admire your date's commitment amid constant travail. If you bring home someone who humps the midnight shift at 7-Eleven, your parents will hide their prescription painkillers.

Welcome to the Mercury, Ian... and READ THE REST HERE.