Via Topless Robot comes the news that, starting November 6, Denny's—the Jantzen Beach location of which I find myself at surprisingly often—is offering a The Hobbit-themed menu. You can watch a terrible ad for it above, or head to Denny's suspiciously chatty Twitter (Exhibit 1, Exhibit 2, Exhibit 3), or you can just read the menu items below:
• Gandalf's Gobble Melt
• Hobbit Hole Breakfast
• Pumpkin Patch Pancakes
• Lonely Mountain Treasure
• Frodo's Pot Roast Skillet
• Shire Sausage
• Bilbo's Berry Smoothies
• Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies
• Seed Cake French Toast
• Build Your Own Hobbit Slam
Before one of you brainiacs points it out in the comments, I should probably note that "Gandalf's Gobble Melt," "Shire Sausage," and "Bilbo's Berry Smoothies" do not seem to be appropriate for children, and "Hobbit Hole Breakfast" is... borderline. MOVING ON.
WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHIT TO START. Just as we ran to Burger King when they were selling Star Trek glasses, and just as we raced to 7-Eleven for Iron Man Slurpees, we are going to go to Denny's and eat all of those things and it is going to be glorious. (I am 99 percent sure Steve has never actually seen a Lord of the Rings movie, and I am 100 percent sure he views them with the same disdain he holds for Game of Thrones. IRRELEVANT. He really, really likes Denny's.) AND YOU CAN COME WITH US*!!! That's right... the Mercury will buy you a Hobbit-themed breakfast, AND you get to hang out with me and Steve while we talk about how much we love Lord of the Rings and/or Denny's*!!! You can even weigh in with your own opinions about Lord of the Rings, Denny's, and/or any troubles that might be on your mind*!!!
Here's all you have to do to enter to win this once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience Denny's in the exact manner that learned Oxford professor J.R.R. Tolkien intended:
In the comments below, note which Hobbit-themed menu item you will be ordering, and why. (Last year you nerds went apeshit with the haikus for that Lord of the Rings in Concert ticket giveaway, which means I will give extra credit to any entries composed as a haiku.) Steve** and I will then choose the best and/or least annoying comment and then contact that person about when we'll all be going to get second breakfast! And then... then we shall depart on a quest the likes of which has not been witnessed since the Third Age!!! To Denny's*!!!
Now that I am done writing this blog post, I forget why Steve and I decided to bring one of you along with us. It seems weird, in retrospect. But hey, it's your lucky day, I guess, since I don't feel like rewriting this entire post. So enter away! The contest, such as it is, ends in a week, on October 31 at 5 pm. That should give you plenty of time to either write a truly phenomenal comment or come up with a dick joke about Shire sausage.
* "No one is going to want to have breakfast with you guys." —Mercury Arts Editor Alison Hallett
** "Alison is full of shit. Also, I once ate five meals at Denny's within a 24-hour period." —Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey