PICTURE your college roommate Seth. You know, the incorrigible stoner who could spend hours waxing philosophic on the tiniest particles of the universe? And how each of these particles make up the very fabric of life? Hence the most powerful person in the world is basically the atomic twin of a fly alighting on a plop of donkey shit? That's deep, man. As in deeply annoying to you and the rest of your dormmates who have to listen to this windbag until he finally relinquishes the bong.
For the purposes of this review, Seth is the atomic twin of beloved director/writer Luc Besson, who has produced gloriously violent works of art like The Professional, The Fifth Element, and La Femme Nikita... but with his newest film Lucy, has created nothing less than donkey plop.
Scarlett Johansson plays the titular Lucy, a wandering student in Taiwan who falls in with the wrong shady dude, and winds up becoming an unwilling drug mule to a ruthlessly violent mob boss (Min-sik Choi). The new experimental drug they sew into her stomach ruptures (eww), and to the disbelief of everyone (especially the audience), Lucy develops super-duper brain powers! Enter Morgan Freeman, who has absolutely no purpose in this film except to explain that most people only use 10 percent of their brains, while Lucy is slowly creeping up to 100 percent. And when she does? She'll not only kick the asses of those mob jerks with her wicked awesome telekinetic powers, but she'll eventually be privy to the ultimate secret of life: the origin of the universe! Whoaaaa, dude!
Your stoner ex-roommate Seth will LOVE this movie. It's a boring philosophy major with little to no sense of humor about itself, spouting heavy-handed metaphors even the most baked pothead can understand. It's just unfortunate that Lucy doesn't have the emotional center or likable characters that made The Professional and La Femme Nikita such great, lasting films. Okay, I'm done talking. You can have the bong now.