JENNY ZYCH

I SAY, "Weed News Roundup"! And you say, "Cool, let's do it." Because you went to a private school that didn't have a sports team with call-and-response cheers. Way to go, Waldorf.


Ida-No, You've Got to Be Kidding—Last year, two very stoned and stupid young men, driving from Las Vegas to Montana in a vehicle filled with 20 pounds of cannabis, made a stop in Idaho. Not for french fries, but to call the cops on themselves, asking to be arrested. No, really. Here's a portion of the transcript of their 911 call:

WORLD'S WORST SMUGGLER: "Hi, uh, we're the two dumbasses that got caught trying to bring some stuff through your border and all your cops are just driving around us like a bunch of jack wagons, and I just really would like for you guys to end it. If you could help me out with that, we would like to just get on with it."

DISPATCHER: "You got caught doing what?"

SELF-PROCLAIMED DUMBASS: "Ahh, god, okay, we kind of got spooked here trying to bring some stuff across your Idaho border. A bunch of your cops are driving around in a bunch of civilian cars not wanting to pick us up. I don't know what's the deal... it's getting cold out here, man. I just want to get warm."

Police say they were not following the men, and when they arrived, the two Mensa members were waiting with their hands behind their heads and said, "We're surrendering." Were dabs involved? Edibles? Does it even matter?


Kush CashThe money you spend on that quarter of kind every couple of weeks (or days—no judgment) is starting to add up. According to a new report from ArcView and New Frontier, sales of medical and recreational cannabis have risen from $4.6 billion in 2014 to $5.4 billion in 2015. This year, sales are expected to hit $6.7 billion, and are forecast to hit a staggering $21.8 billion by 2020. The industry is growing by more than 30 percent every year, and adult-use recreational sales skyrocketed from $351 million in 2014 to $998 million in 2015, an increase of a whopping 184 percent.

In Colorado, sales hit nearly one billion dollars in 2015 ($996,184,788 to be exact), which brought in $135 million in taxes and fees, with school construction getting $35 million. So when people ask why you smoke weed, tell them you are doing it for the children. To quote Mrs. Lovejoy, "Won't somebody please think of the children?!?"


Facebook and Instagram Still Hate Cannabis—Instagram and Facebook are shutting down medical and recreational cannabis dispensary accounts, in addition to the accounts of many non-cannabis industry folks who post too many bud shots. Examiner.com reports: "Under the Regulated Goods section of Facebook's Community Standards, it says, 'We prohibit any attempts by unauthorized dealers to purchase, sell, or trade prescription drugs, marijuana, or firearms.' So, by state laws, medical marijuana dispensaries are following the rules. But Facebook admitted to US News and World Report on Friday that legal businesses may still have their pages deleted on the basis that selling marijuana remains a federal crime."

There has been speculation that this isn't necessarily Facebook's doing, but rather prohibitionists and jealous competitors who look for cannabis-related posts to flag. Of course, everyone's still free to post endless photos of alcohol. Will Facebook and Instagram continue to take this ludicrous position after cannabis is rescheduled and decriminalized? To quote Reverend Lovejoy this time, "Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral!"


Don't Panic, It's Organic. Wait... Do PanicEugene-based cannabis testing lab extraordinaire OG Analytical showed why they are they are superstars of the industry recently. According to Noelle Crombie at the Oregonian, OG Analytical found that the pesticide Guardian had a super-special secret ingredient not listed on the label: the chemical abamectin. OG Analytical informed state regulators, who took the highly unusual step of pulling the product from all store shelves in Oregon, and asked growers to stop using it. Guardian has shut down its operations, and their president said, "It seems like people are pointing a finger at us. I would rather not comment on anything and take the Fifth." Guardian was a product used by many cannabis growers, and this incident underscores the importance of having all cannabis lab tested.