Ryan Alexander-Tanner

BY NOW, some of the more frequent readers of this column will have gathered that I am pro-cannabis. I believe cannabis is pretty great in a variety of settings. Bravely, I stand by that. However, I have been in situations where cannabis use was a bad call, and while I don't want to be a Donny Downer, when one bad apple makes terrible choices while consuming, it reflects poorly on the rest of us.

Example: You may love butane-extracted concentrates, but every time some slack-jawed yokel reduces his total number of fingers by three because he wasn't using a closed-loop extraction system, leading frowning local news anchors to gleefully shake their heads while reporting that "a local man is in custody tonight after blowing himself up real good," it puts all BHO users into the (unfair) grouping of aforementioned yokels. Do you want to be known as a yokel? No, you do not.

We're all adults, so this is info you probably already know. That said:

Don't consume and drive. Is it as bad as drinking and driving? No. And there are some studies that show a reduction in traffic accidents in Colorado after recreational legalization. But driving is scary shit. You are piloting a steel machine weighing thousands of pounds at high speeds. You really shouldn't be talking on the phone, applying makeup, or doing anything else to distract you from not running over puppies and school children. Save that fatty for the destination.

Power tools, ladders, and ERs: Cannabis is great when you have monotonous physical labor to perform. But I know people who thought a quick smoke before using their band saw, or cleaning those high and hard-to-reach rain gutters would be a great way to kill the boredom of these tasks. And it would be, except slicing off appendages or falling off a ladder is a major buzz kill. Better to be bored and intact, I always say. (Note: I never say that.)

Mrs. Doobiefire: Kids are the best, right? Screaming, moody, irrational—what's not to love? But when tasked to look after them, wait until their bedtime to light up. They sometimes need to be taken to the doctor after inserting things where things should not be inserted, and talking to the pediatrician while high sucks. Don't become a Lifetime movie stereotype.

Sex: I'm just fucking with you on this one. Get high and get your freak on. Just don't forget to be safe, lest you produce the previous situation.

Time-related chores: Do you have a task that requires precise timing, such as baking cookies? "Let's smoke a bowl! I'll remember to grab those..." you say, not too long before the smoke alarm goes off in the kitchen. Great job, Martha. Now the kids are crying. Way to go.

Brain surgery: No one reading this column is a brain surgeon, so never mind.