Let's get something right out in the open, shall we? MANY OF YOU DO DRUGS. However, you won't hear many newspapers admit that some of their readers do drugs. That's because it's a taboo, and the papers would feel somehow responsible if their readers became addicts. Well, you know what? MOST OF YOU ARE ALREADY ADDICTS. And there's nothing the Mercury is going to say or do to stop this trend. Therefore, instead of ignoring our scores of drug-addled readers, we've decided to do something special just for you, the average DOPER.
As part of the Mercury's Winter Prozac Film Festival, we will be showing Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation. Why did we choose this bizarre preschooler's cartoon from 1986? Because it's fun to watch while fucked up on drugs. END OF STORY.
Actually, it's not quite end of story. We also chose it because a) it has toe-tapping songs you can sing along to, b) it makes you feel freaking great about life again, and c) it's far superior to its weak-ass predecessor Care Bears I. And lest I forget, the movie also contains the super-creepy "Care Bear Stare." That's when someone's about to do something bad, and the Care Bears join hands and shoot lasers out of their tummies to make the bad guy do the right thing. Why is that creepy? I dunno. That's something better left to think about while doing drugs.
But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps you don't do drugs, and you still want to see the movie. Maybe you're an alcoholic. Well, that's good! Because we'll have beer for sale! Or maybe you're obese. That's great, because we'll be selling delicious hot dogs and chili throughout the movie! Or maybe you're an art snob who hates beer, drugs, hot dogs, the Mercury, and the Care Bears. Well... that's fine! Because we also have a Super Secret Short Film by local director Todd Haynes called Superstar... whoops. I've said too much. My point is, if the Care Bears can't fuck you up, this Super Secret Short certainly will.
Now you may be thinking, "Wait a second... this is some kind of STING! The theater will be crawling with cops, and arrest me for possession of the sticky-icky-icky!" That's why if you do choose to "partake in the kind," don't bring it into the theater. That way if we're perpetrating a "sting," you'll be safe to enjoy the movie while the less intelligent ganja huffers are being carted away to the pokey.
Why are we telling you this? Because we care about you and the continuation of your drug problem. We really, really CARE... so c'mon, Mercury Care Bears...LET'S STARE! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY