YOU KNOW WHAT'S FOR SUCKERS? Paying taxes and going to doctors! You know what else is for suckers? Paying for movies! If you, like me, want to live off the grid and give a big "EFFFFFFFFFFFF YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU" to "the Man," then you'll realize that coughing up $54.93 (or whatever) to see High School Musical 14: Zac's Got the Alzheimer's is a waste of your goddamn time. $54.93 could buy you a shit-ton of survival supplies at Andy and Bax, and you won't have to sit through a preview for Ice Age: Who the Shit Gives a Fuck.

However, even stingy bastards like you and me still feel that sweet allure of Lady Cinema, smelling her tantalizing perfume and her alluring feminine musk. But how does one enjoy the sensual pleasures of film without coughing up money? Easy: free movie nights!

Pix Patisserie (3901 N Williams): Fancy-pants Frenchy bakery Pix Patisserie shows a film every Monday, ranging from forgotten classics and musicals to modern favorites. Upcoming movie nights feature everything from John Huston's The Night of the Iguana (September 21) to Robin Hood: Men in Tights (October 12) to The Last Starfighter (November 30). Mondays, 8:30 pm.

The Press Club (2621 SE Clinton): Every Sunday, the Press Club shows one of their favorite movies—on September 20, they're showing Trainspotting, the following week has The Graduate, and recent weeks have included great films like Adaptation and Mean Streets. Sundays, 9 pm.

Kelly's Olympian (426 SW Washington)—Every third Tuesday of the month, Kelly's Olympian hosts the PDX Filmmakers Showcase, where local filmmakers show off their short films. Every third Tuesday, 7:30 pm, 21+.

Someday Lounge (125 NW 5th)—Every month, the city's finest filmmakers strut their stuff at Independent Tuesday (IT Night), "Portland's premier monthly handmade film festival," where all the short films follow a specific and changing theme. Last Tuesday of every month, 9 pm, 21+.

Movies in the Park (various parks) and Flicks on the Bricks (Pioneer Courthouse Square)—It's over now (THANKS FOR NOTHING, FALL), but every summer, Portland Parks and Recreation shows a ton of free movies in parks throughout the city (everything from Iron Man to Hairspray to Dirty Dancing), usually prefaced with live music. Meanwhile, Pioneer Courthouse Square does the same downtown—this past year featured films like Jurassic Park, Ghostbusters, and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Not like it does you a lot of good now, but keep it in mind for next summer. Various summer nights, dusk.

Boxxes (1035 SW Stark)—Every Monday night, Boxxes offers not just one free movie, but two—plus free popcorn and cotton candy! What's more, the double features are often exquisite pairings of classics—for example, Mean Girls and Mulholland Drive, or Predator and Pink Flamingos. Upcoming screenings include Showgirls and SLC Punk (September 28), Labyrinth and The Hunger (October 5), and The Goonies and Less than Zero (October 12). Every Monday, first movie at 8:30, second movie at 10:30, 21+.