GOOD THING the mayor's office has a special citizen voicemail line—some Portlanders certainly get angry about things like compost buckets and protests. As part of our continuing efforts to dredge the muck at city hall so you don't have to, here are the best (abridged) voicemails from the thousands that stuffed Mayor Sam Adams' mailbox at the end of 2011.
Monday, August 1: I just want to say that I certainly admire your decision to bow out gracefully, but I wish that you would come out with your guns blazing. Don't go softly into that good night, Mayor Adams. I think you're terrific.
Tuesday, August 2: Sam Adams is finally doing the right thing and stepping down—as he should have a long time ago. Were it not for the apathetic "sheeple" who pass for citizens, he would have been recalled. I hope either Charlie Hales or the young lady whose name escapes me wins. Let's have a heterosexual, responsible mayor who will enforce what needs to be done.
Wednesday, August 3: Hi, I'm reporting a crime. They're making chips and putting chips inside of people. It's the honest-to-god-almighty truth.
Monday, August 15: This is about the mayor's thought to go into picking up compost every two weeks. It's absolutely an appalling idea that garbage is going to be sitting out there for two weeks and that rats won't come to it? That's ridiculous, because they will—and they will produce more rats! So, it will be infested with them. All over the city.
Thursday, August 18: I'm calling to complain about Sam Adams' and the council's decision on the new garbage service. I think this is a ridiculously stupid idea and it gives me just one more reason to leave this pathetic stupid little town that isn't even a city.
Wednesday, August 24: Yeah, I'm calling about the Sam Adams-engineered traffic jam. I'm sittin' here on the Burnside couplet on Couch Street and it's taken five lights to get up to the stoplight, because Sam Adams continues to engineer things that fail. The City of Portland does not work; it sucks.
Thursday, September 1: I really don't expect anything to come of any messages, since it's only fodder for the Mercury to print in their paper of the crazy things people talk about. I just wanted to say that I appreciated how Sam Adams didn't want to join the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force, but how Portland was suckered into it or tricked into joining it anyway with this absolute setup the FBI orchestrated with this silly-looking African boy and bombs that were never going to go off. The FBI probably thought, "Huh, they don't want to play ball with us? We'll scare them and make them."
Friday, October 7, 2:12 pm: I am extremely upset that the mayor has apparently announced that he is definitely bringing in security from Salem and from Vancouver for the sit-in—or whatever the protest is. I think there's a better way to handle this. It appears to me that you're looking for the confrontation rather than the folks who are doing it.
Friday, October 7, 2:17 pm: Gosh, this morning you've got a little problem, Sam—with some squatters in the parks? FIRE HOSES! All right? Kill two birds with one stone: Get rid of the squatters and give them a bath. Thanks very much, you little jerk! Bye.
Monday, October 10: I wanted to leave a message to let the mayor know that he has let anarchists take over the city and rules of law and order no longer apply. The message to the entire population of the city is that permits don't matter, law and order doesn't matter, you can do whatever you want, and the inconvenience of the taxpayer, the business owner, and the property taxpayer doesn't matter. Pathetic leadership! Lack of courage! Terrible!
Tuesday, October 11: Yes. I just went into downtown Portland today. I live out in Molalla, and I will NOT come in to the city anymore, okay? You need to get rid of those thugs and hippies and wackjobs that are down there on Main Street, okay?
Wednesday, October 12: I was just wondering what would happen if I got 1,000 protesters to protest this stupid composting, which we're supposed to have to be doing, which I'm not going to do, sir. What if we marched in front of your house protesting your stupid composting, would you be so nice to us? I don't think so, sir.
Friday, October 21: PLEASE DO SOMETHING FOR THE TREES! PLEASE SAVE THE TREES THAT ARE BEING DESTROYED BY THESE OCCUPIERS
Tuesday, October 25: I work in the Wells Fargo tower and I'm getting tired of listening to the campers in the park. It's time they went home. It's annoying, and it's time for the city to get back to work.
Thursday, November 10, 12:23 pm: Mayor Adams, I am calling to say, LEAVE THE PROTESTERS ALONE! They aren't doing any more damage than the Cinco de Mayo [Fiesta] or the Blues Festival, in which alcohol and drunkenness and assaults are rampant..
Thursday, November 10, 5:15 pm: I'm sitting in my car, in the rain, in the dark. I had to hear Mayor Adams' interview on NPR, which was very good. But, I want to suggest is that he join Occupy Portland and not clear them out. He should crack down on the drug abusers, but join the movement and lead this country.
Monday, November 14: I own a business in downtown Portland. I support the Occupy movement and the Occupy campers downtown. I think it is wrong that you've decided to bring the police down on them and tear down the camp. I understand the camp has its problems, but they're not going to go away. They're just going to come back in stronger numbers. Give them a chance to clean up the mess that they created by letting the junkies in, okay? Thanks, man. You're a good mayor.
Tuesday, November 15: I have known forever that Portland is the greatest city in this whole country. And the restraint that has been shown by Mayor Adams and Portland's very finest police department yesterday during the demonstrations has made me so proud.
Thursday, November 17: I dress up as Santa Claus every year. I have a suit and I do it for donations, but I'll do it for you. I like you. You're a nice guy. I'd like to be your Santa Claus. Thank you.
Friday, November 18: Shame on you for the pepper spray! Shame on all of YOU!
Monday, November 21: I grew up in the '60s. This Occupy movement is very much like the civil rights movement in the '60s. They're trying to change a system that stinks, that's broken, and our mayor and police chief are trying to use all these public relations ploys and tricks to move the opinion of the public against these protesters.
Monday, December 12: If I were mayor, I would put all those protesters on freight cars and take them and dump them in the desert and get rid of them once and for all. Merry Christmas! Thank you.